Addictions

We’re all familiar with the obvious ways addictions can show up: recreational drugs, alcohol, food, sex and drugs

Those can bring us into dark territories and serve to numb and sedate us, and fill an inexplicable void.

Then there are the innocuous ones like coffee and work which are typically normalized and not so extreme

But what about the ones like love, sugar, social media, technology, adrenaline or feeling bad about ourselves?

In the past few years, my diet has become a lot cleaner. As I venture farther on my spiritual path I’ve stopped imbibing in alcohol and any sort of drugs as my body becomes more sensitive and as I stop partaking in normalized social behaviors. When I worked a full time job, it was expected of me to grab a drink with coworkers, or friends after works, or even clients. Alcoholism seemed so embedded in our social etiquette and in our coming of age narratives too. Everyone thinks of college as the time of experimentation with drugs, alcohol and sex.

Although I’ve gone months to a full year sometimes cutting out alcohol, drugs and/or sex, as my life becomes cleaner it forces me to re-evaluate where “softer” addictions still occupy spaces in my life and why it is that society normalizes these addictions, as well as what I’m trying to distract from by using them.

For instance, I’ve recently cut out sugar as part of a preparatory cleanse. This made me conscious about how sugar is literally in everything. For a day or two I felt depressed because I couldn’t engage in my life normally. With cutting out caffeine entirely, too, (I haven’t had any coffee in years but I do like green tea and matcha), my life drastically change and took on a new consciousness. I had to read food labels carefully. I couldn’t go to “grab a matcha” whenever I was feeling antsy at home or to distract from how tired I was some days. Without sugar, I quickly realized how hard it was to eat out, even at healthy vegan restaurants. Even my salad dressing has maple syrup in it!

Beginning in January I also stopped dating entirely and deleted every dating app. I started to realize how much of my time/energy/attention was being sapped by just scrolling through dating apps when I was bored. This was time that could’ve been spent on myself, instead it was spent swiping. I also took a break from all social media for a few months and did a technology cleanse for a few days. It became more apparent how inextricable it all is to our functioning- our addictions become essential to being productive in our lives.

I noticed I also had a habit of trying to make myself feel bad about myself. I used to be codependent, and codependency is an addiction. When we are addicted to narcissistic dynamics, we are obsessed with feeling bad about ourselves or finding ways we are dysfunctional or unlovable. This pattern felt so much a part of my life because it was modeled after caregivers that I didn’t even recognize it as an addiction I could free myself from.

All of this is making it clearer for me to see where it is I’m still “dependent” and where I have absolute autonomy in my life. The wonderful thing is that the more we take control over these aspects and clear our more addictions, more ways we give away our power, the more confident we feel in our lives. It is directly related.

I write this to encourage you to take inventory of your life too. How much of it is based on forms of addiction? What is it that you’re distracting yourself from, and what is it filling in your life? Often times we default to addictions because of unhealed patterns, not to mention addictions fill the spaces between the connection with ourselves. When we avoid things, we usually opt for addictions, even if it’s just anxiety that we’re smoking or drinking away. Maybe it’s loneliness and emptiness that fuels someone to engage in compulsive sex or dating. Some of these patterns of behavior feel so normalized in modern day, but that doesn’t mean that they’re adding to our health and happiness. In fact, I’d argue that they’re drastically decreasing our wellbeing. These mechanisms serve to sever our connection to ourselves more.

The more addictions I clear out, the more I notice more of what I’m suppressing in my emotional body. Although I’m well aware of my internal processes at this stage of my life, I get to see more nooks and crannies so to speak, the more I rid of these coping mechanisms. This is difficult, but this is the challenge of being human and the clarity, self control that’s achievable on the other side is well worth it, in my mind.

Stepping Away from Family : The Taboo of Estrangement

I am estranged from my family by choice. I chose to do something as extreme as this for my health and wellbeing, so you can imagine how difficult this choice was, how deliberate it was, and what must’ve happened to make this a necessary outcome. Within that choice are layers holding all the years and attempts I’ve made to shift the dynamic. All the self-work that was met with the same toxic reactions, all the attempts to destroy any self-esteem I was building. Eventually, I reached a point: enough is enough. I cannot grow with this in my life. And, I let go.

To me, this marks a huge stride in my own empowerment, self-sufficiency and self worth. I didn’t realize it at the time I committed to this choice, it was just a fact of life. I’d been pushed way past the point of pain and suffering. However, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have my qualms about it.

Especially because of the cultural piece— family’s are a huge part of Chinese culture, and because of our general, collective attitude towards the family unit, it’s a doubly hard endeavor. I think all I ever wanted as a little girl was a happy family. I have a tendency to romanticize and idealize sometimes, and of course, I always had the fantasy that my familial relationships would be fixed, people would come to realize their contributions and take responsibility. But that’s wishful thinking. A lot of people don’t, that’s a fact of life. It’s much better to believe that and be pleasantly surprised than to expect someone to change who doesn’t want to, and then to be disappointed over and over, in my opinion. So, I can step back and accept the reality and let time show me what I need to know.

I will just say that in our society, and I’m speaking for American culture specifically, there is a tendency to exalt family. It becomes the centerpiece. Anything that deviates from the family unit is unacceptable. While I was struggling, I had a therapist (who I terminated at a later point) who continued to tell me that family is part of someone’s framework of wellbeing and it’s our responsibility to make things work. My family was falling apart at the time for many reasons and she continued to insinuate that it would cause damage to my wellbeing if I didn’t fix it. She continued to try to push her agenda on me, her belief on me, instead of seeing my situation for what it was. Abiding by her framework, yes, and, sometimes wellbeing means family needs to be out of the picture entirely.

If you’ve experienced the same abuse and toxic behaviors in a family no matter what you do, how much you feel over responsible, how much you become over functional, the truth remains the same for this and any toxic relationship: you cannot fix it if the other person (people) aren’t willing to do the work. They will never realize unless you LEAVE otherwise your presence continues to enable their behavior.

Shutting the door for now does not mean shutting the door for good. Sometimes, people return to their families years later to shift the dynamic after they’ve come to a certain point in their healing. Sometimes, there’s more and more distance as people come to more and more realizations for why the relationship is damaging. I am not at the point of contemplating a return, yet, and I will admit it is painful for me to know that there are years passing that I won’t see, or know, in the lives of the people that I love no matter what. My love for them makes me want to know how they are, to watch them grow older, to fight for them at all costs. My love for them excuses them for any bad behavior- but, loving without realistic limits is unhealthy and we can have all that love for them but choose to love ourselves, too, instead of needing to be the one who constantly sacrifices their own self-love and respect for the other. Notice if ever you are in a dynamic that forces you to choose either you or them. That’s already a big red flag.

If something in this post is resonating for you- just know that if you let society’s expectations outweigh your own wellbeing, if you’re afraid of what people might think or say if you deviate from the norm, then you will never find what you’re looking for. You may put up with the pain and suffering in avoidance of the pain and grief of loss if you made that cut, but the second option allows opportunity for growth. You get, along with it, several gifts of strength, resilience and self worth.

For all the people out there who are estranged from your families and either are open about it or find it hard to talk about- I just want to say that I understand. I may not know the whole story and it may not have been similar to my experience, but I can only imagine what took you there. And, you are so brave. You are not alone.

For those of you who are thinking about making this choice but are still holding on out of unconscious fear- here’s your reminder that you have the permission to make those hard choices, and to take care of yourself.

The best response I’ve ever gotten from someone when I said, “I’m estranged,” was, “good for you for taking care of yourself,” let’s all normalize this conversation and shift it over to that response and attitude.

A note to clients: I will NEVER try to enforce that estrangement is THE way to go. It is what I chose to do and I consider it a last option, but it is not what is right for everyone and when I look at your situation, I look at it as YOUR situation and do my best to mediate any unconscious biases and clear my subjective filters. In the past I’ve worked with people who projected themselves onto me, who got overly and inappropriately involved in my life choices, and I know how harmful it can be so I am especially careful about this.

How to Navigate and Understand Sensitivity

I had always known that I was more sensitive to my environments and stimulus than other people. For most of my childhood I had anxiety because I was constantly overstimulated. Our world is not built for people like me!

I’m not only an introvert, empath, but I would also consider myself an HSP. Dr. Elaine Aron has written a series of books about the HSP temperament that I’ve found incredibly helpful. You can take a look at them here.

Other resources that helped me along the way:

Introversion- Quiet by Susan Cain

Empathy- The Empath’s Survival Guide by Dr. Judith Orloff

I had a lot of shame around this because most people don’t think positively of sensitivity. I heard it all the time: You’re too sensitive!

Some of it was gas-lighty, sure, but some other times I knew that my sensitivity could be harmful in my interpersonal relationships and in my relationship with the world, especially in cut-throat environments. In our dealings with people, we don’t want to be oversensitive, even if we are hyper sensitive, if you know what I mean.

As I grew, I started to see how my sensitivity was in fact, a gift. It allowed me a level of awareness in the world that was very rare- most of my bosses could see this and identified it as a strength. One of my former bosses even told me, “everyone can use a spreadsheet. But not that many people can see the world like you do,”. It allowed me a level of perception of people’s motives, of power structures and dynamics that most people missed, and in fact, elevated me in situations when people would seek my consult. My bosses would often ask me, “what do you think?” about people, projects, etc.. even when I was in my early 20’s. In Elaine Aron’s work, she does say that HSP is an adaptive trait in human hierarchy, that it allows HSPs to rise quickly to the top of the social structure because of their abilities to perceive cues in the environment that the rest of the social group misses. Unfortunately, this caused big rifts in my workspaces, because this led to jealousy with my more senior co-workers who were not being asked. My main wish here is that I wasn’t oversensitive to the jealousy and sabotage, in a way that made me not want to contribute my strengths. It mattered more to me then to fit in.

I could also process individual cues faster, not just in environments, but with people. Their very subtle body language, tone, energetic shifts, were things that were not lost on me. Later in life, with the work that I do now in healing, sensitivity is my most dependable resource. That’s how I can detect subtle shifts in the body and in the energy even without seeing the person. A lot of this work rests in subtlety, and the ability to detect nuances is what is able to generate healing on a faster level because it allows me to be precise. Think about it- it’s better to go with the sensitive surgeon because he’s able to cut into very specific areas, whereas an insensitive surgeon wouldn’t be as perceptive and might knick an artery. Would I trade my sensitivity for anything? Now, no. If you asked me a few years ago, well, I tried.

I was in the wrong environments because back then I wasn’t as educated about my temperament. I tried to be like everyone else, but most people are not HSPs. There were even times in my life during which I experienced such desperation to “turn it off” that I went on anti-depressants just to be able to dull it out and be what I thought was more “functional”, which is less sensitive. At that time, I didn’t know that a lot of my anxiety was a result of overstimulation, but it was also a result of unprocessed trauma I wasn’t fully aware I had. It didn’t matter, though, I wanted it to be over with.

Initially, I did feel relief. But then I noticed that my creativity was gone. The way my mind engaged the world was gone. I couldn’t think as clearly. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel anything at all. I try to look at all things neutrally- I know that medication can help a lot of people, but for me there was a tradeoff, and after some time I realized that I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my sensitivity anymore and instead, learned to work with it.

It’s a double edged sword. I noticed this since I was little, how I was super sensitive even to coffee, or alcohol, or even medications that didn’t affect the majority the way it did for me. I had to be on the lowest micro dosage of everything if I ever needed any. One cup of coffee has me bouncing off the walls. I’ve since realized that my temperament is one that is best without any coffee or substances at all. A glass of wine every once in a while is fine, green tea is fine. It’s best to learn where your limits are so you can find your balance easier.

As I became even MORE sensitive in an energetic way after my spiritual awakening, it made it hard to engage with the outside world. As in, (and most of you who’ve experienced an awakening can testify to) public transportation, crowded spaces, can be really difficult to be in. You might even sense electromagnetic waves more and it could be too much. Sometimes people’s energies were just too much. I couldn’t socialize the same way- being in bars drained the sh** out of me. I couldn’t go out like I used to, I couldn’t be around a ton of people, I couldn’t even socialize in groups sometimes if someone’s energy was off. My sensitivity led to me feeling really isolated. I could tell that some of my friends and partners wanted me to be less of it, and sometimes they even told me- but in all those cases yes I felt bad, but I also knew that developing my sensitivity was key to me and my ability to help people. At one point in my life recently, I realized that I’m putting in the work to develop a healthy ability to manage it, and so the people in my life don’t need to be sensitive themselves, but they need to be understanding and accepting of it. Or at least willing to develop certain tools too.

The process of developing a healthier relationship with my sensitivity and integrate it began with first identifying the trauma around sensitivity. I first decoded what was gaslighting, and what was truly being oversensitive in situations that didn’t warrant it. I started setting boundaries around gaslighting. I started checking in with my intuition more, and then I began distinguishing the two pronged effect of my sensitivity.

One I’ll call harmful sensitivity. Harmful sensitivity is when we take things really personally, even slight remarks. Harmful sensitivity is what causes people around you to feel like they’re walking on eggshells because you might blow up if someone says something they perceive as innocuous even if you don’t. This is a result of the wounded ego- something still hasn’t been fully healed around self-concept, not to mention it’s the ego functioning in an immature way, because it still believes that “all things have to do with me” which is the way that a child’s ego forms initially before it begins to consciously recognize that nothing really is personal. It’s loosely an inability to get outside of oneself to see that other people may be projecting, or working through their own things at that moment, too.

The harmful side can also manifest in taking in criticism. It can really hurt an HSP when someone says something negative, in fact I can find myself ruminating on it all day. It doesn’t slide off my back easier than it would if I were less sensitive. Even if I don’t take it so personally, I can find myself questioning a lot and really feeling the pain and rejection of it.

When HSPs don’t develop good self-regulation and empathy regulation, then they can also go into a state of shock/overstimulation where the nervous system is overactive. This causes burnout, adrenal depletion, and also it makes HSPs get hyper agitated. I’ve noticed in myself and in other HSPs that one of the tell tale signs, or maybe even symptoms of this state is a dependency on caffeine. It’s a chicken or the egg situation, because sometimes caffeine can induce this state as well.

Then there’s resourceful sensitivity, which is the one that allows you to hone in to specifics and environmental cues. This one is a tool- and it actually functions well when there’s a bit of detachment, too. That’s not to say you bypass from it, but you detach from it enough so that it can be an objective tool. The more subjective you become with it, the more it verges on being harmful.

Resourceful sensitivity on a personal level allows you to bounce back quickly. Most of the VERY HSP clients I’ve worked with can take in the work so easily, it’s like they absorb it, and their energy literally integrates it overnight. It takes little recovery time compared to people who aren’t sensitive. I’ve also noticed how I can really take in all information, from classrooms to dance classes. It doesn’t take a lot, I’m processing so many cues at once, so quickly. It also means that I can get over breakups or losses a lot faster than most people because I can feel all the deeper emotions faster. My body even recovers faster from injuries than most people, so it’s happening on all levels. It’s really a miracle, when treated this way.

One caveat here that I find odd, is that on a body level I’m not really that sensitive. As in, it takes me a lot to register pain- and when I was a really little kid and I’d get my blood drawn, the doctors would give me a whole roll of stickers because they said I was the only kid who didn’t cry. I don’t think sensitivity always is the same on physical, emotional, mental levels. And there’s also a lot of mental/emotional toughness too. I do believe that someone who is very sensitive is stronger than most, because I know first hand how tough it is to get around in this world with that level of sensitivity! So, it really is a cause of celebration, and a continual process of working on this for yourself so that you’re at peace with how it functions in your life.

Empaths & Narcissists/Sociopaths

What came first, the empath or the sociopath?

Do either create the other? Why do they always exist in such close proximity?

Whenever I speak to an empath, it seems that they’re involved in some capacity with a narcissist whether in friendship, romance or family. Google this topic and you’ll see it discussed everywhere. Bottom line is, it’s not just the narcissist that’s attracted to the empath, it goes both ways.

Many articles out there will place the blame on one of the parties. It can feel comforting as an empath to read that it’s the narcissist’s fault, but honestly that robs healing from the empath because by accepting it’s partly your (disclaimer: I’m speaking as the empath, as that’s what I have experience with- trust me I’ve spent many many years empathizing with the part of the sociopath/narcissist but for the purposes of this post I’m writing for the empath) choosing, you can then take responsibility. Remember, all dynamics are 50/50 even if they seem skewed. Sometimes the choice is more PASSIVE which is why it seems less like a decided choice.

Someone can be narcissistic and not be a narcissist, someone can be sociopathic, and not be a full blown sociopath. Remember that this all exists on a spectrum, but the traits are there whether they’re expressed fully or not. The thing that makes narcissists so attractive is that there’s a charm, paired with a certain neediness. Empaths tend to be devotional people, and sometimes when someone is both needy, charming and grandiose, it’s all the elements needed to activate that devotion.

I’m literally WIRED to be attracted to narcissists because well, it’s my unconscious showing me my early childhood dynamics. Both my parents were narcissists, my father a full blown one, and my mother more on the covert narcissistic side. Covert narcissists can reframe themselves as martyrs, but their narcissism is just hidden. It’s like, I’ll do everything to seem selfless, but there’s an unconscious/conscious/energetic expectation that you then owe me. Guilt is the mainstay in any type of relationship with a covert narcissist. As they say, martyring can often be the most selfish thing in the world even if it doesn’t carry the appearance.

How do you identify a narcissist? They’ll love bomb the sh** out of you. They usually have high acuity when it comes to identifying your needs and wants, and will morph themselves to adopt those characteristics. There’s also, ALWAYS going to be some sort of “leak” where you do see them switch off to their real selves- and often they will actually tell you straight up (I’m not kidding). But, empaths will often want to give the benefit of the doubt, or excuse whatever it is they say even if it raises questions.

You’ll start to notice along the way that they put demands on your time and energy, and that everything comes back to them and their needs. Their expectations are high, and they’ll find some way to devalue your needs. They’ll also gaslight you and try to convince you of certain things, like why honesty isn’t necessary, or why, if you see through them, what you’re sensing isn’t real, true or logical. They need what they need when they need it. Selfishness is engrained, it’s like they can’t see outside of themselves.

Their egos control them, and they need constant narcissistic supply. This can differ from person to person what counts as that supply, but most will need love, validation, ego stroking. I know that some of these are what most people need, but they tend to require devotion that’s one sided, and don’t care if it causes harm to the supplier) They need to be admired by multiple people at once, and feel they can do whatever it is that they want including lie in order to procure that supply. An example would be a person who cheats on multiple people and strings each of them along based on false promises/claims of exclusivity in order to get what they want, and make sure that they’re the only object of affection for all.

The truth is in their eyes too, and this especially applies to sociopaths. There’s this.. stare… a vacant stare, or a feeling where you can’t see into their eyes like they have some sort of shield up that hides only nothingness. It’s hard to explain. There’s also this sense of unevenness in the eyes. When they look at you it’s like it only goes one way, like a smoke screen, one way mirror.

Last way you can tell? Oh, you know. You can feel it, if you’re an empath. The thing here to watch out for is if you’re programmed to feel comfortable with a socio/narc because it was in your upbringing, you can feel comfortable around them. Just be very conscious of this when you’re working this out.

You will feel drained. You will feel gaslit. You will feel like you’re going crazy. You will feel like nothing you do will ever be enough. You will feel taken advantage of. That’s their MO they will take advantage of you because both of those types of personalities think other people exist to provide something to them and that’s the only way you can exist to them otherwise they will find other supply.

How do you deal with them?

Most people will tell you how to set boundaries. Two of my favorite coaches who speak on this topic are Lisa Romano (she’s AMAZING!) and Stephanie Lyn (also AMAZING!)

In my experience, for me it’s better to DROP. I’ve sustained relationships with narcissists/socios for years, and it always weighs on me no matter how vocal I am or how many boundaries I set. Because the socio especially will say what you want to hear and agree to your boundaries without making changes, just to drag this on more.

You may feel aggravated and confused after talking to them. They won’t take responsibility for themselves, and they likely won’t in the long run. It helps to acknowledge what it is you’re getting from the relationship. Usually, empaths derive some sort of worth or validation unconsciously/consciously from the dynamic. Empaths typically like to feel needed because most empaths have at some point in time been unilaterally responsible for someone else’s needs, and those two types have a lot of needs! Once you identify what you get, try to figure out another way to develop it in yourself without involving yourself in a toxic relationship. It could be as simple as distraction, because the socio/narc is a GREAT distraction because so much of the focus is on them. I say this because even though it is an imbalanced exchange, it’s important to be conscious that it’s not one person’s fault. There are underlying needs that are being met and the sooner you recognize what those needs are, the quicker you can remove yourself from something potentially harmful.

My process now is, I will usually still give them the benefit of the doubt unless my intuition is screaming to remove myself from the situation immediately, which has happened before. If I sense from a conversation that I’m being gaslit, or told inauthentic promises, or when there’s absolute denial, I know it’s done.

Being fixated on a socio/narc takes up a lot of bandwidth from your own life and from the energy you can be investing in other people where there’s more even give and take.

Good luck!

Boundaries

BOUNDARIES. This is such a huge topic! Feels like I’ve been working on boundaries forever and that’s because just like us, our boundaries grow and evolve as we change. I think it’s always healthy to revisit and renegotiate these with yourself.

My relationship with boundaries has been a nebulous one- I grew up in a household where we weren’t allowed any boundaries- it’s partly cultural as naturally in Chinese culture, families are more involved and enmeshed, but partly because of a toxic environment in which my parents didn’t know where they began and where they ended, nor did they allow me any agency or division or individuality. I was punished and shamed for setting boundaries, and as a result my nervous system encoded that it is not safe to set boundaries as the backlash that I suffer as a result are more costly than having those boundaries invaded in the first place.

Obviously, this created a rather painful life. But through recovery and the process of healing, and that means continual practice, continual auditing of my experiences, continual checking in and continual research, I’ve gotten so much better.

What’s important for me to remember, and for others who are working on their boundaries too, is- if you grew up in an abusive situation or one that demanded co-dependency, or self-sacrificing behaviors, or people pleasing, boundaries are going to feel so uncomfortable. But know that boundaries differ from person to person, so never let someone else’s lack of boundaries make you feel like you don’t deserve boundaries around a certain thing.

For example, I’ve never liked it when predatory men feel entitled to touch me randomly- and I mean, people I do not know, people I do not want to know. I remember one particular incident when I was at a party as a girl in my early 20’s with a few friends and a man who I did NOT invite into my space in any way, sat down next to me and put his hands all over me. I said to him, “Do NOT touch me” and he went to my friends (at the time) and complained about me, and then put his hands on them which in their relationship with the world, was completely acceptable (it’s funny how in a lot of people’s world’s, this is acceptable- more on that in a separate blog post). In retrospect, obviously I see this man for who he is- an entitled creep- but at the time because my friends had different boundaries and I was indirectly shamed, I felt bad for setting that boundary. BUT as I said, boundaries differ. Other people might think it’s permissible but that doesn’t mean anything about your boundaries and comfort level!!

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In the process of forming healthy boundaries, you’ll inevitably also create walls. This is sort of like a pendulum swinging from no boundaries, to walls, and then you eventually meet somewhere in the middle. This is perfectly okay. Just notice when you build walls, and know that it’s actually out of self-protection. As you start developing a healthier, more trusting relationship with the world, the walls soften invariably.

Another thing I constantly encounter is the fear of hurting the other person. I’m very sensitive to the feelings of others and sometimes it feels more painful for someone else to experience rejection than myself, so out of habit I’ll put myself in the position of sacrificing something, or giving something up. This happened very unconsciously, and it’s something I notice that a lot of empaths do. We don’t want other people to be in pain. But in the end, we end up being the ones in pain. With regard to this one, it’s good to consciously notice when and where you do this, and recognize that in sparing someone else rejection, you’re projecting on them your own fear/pain of rejection. It’s good to get clear on this and work on this in yourself, and once you work through this, you’ll see it shifting from your relationship with other people. Meaning, when you’re okay with rejection and no longer take it personally, you won’t assume that other people take it personally. Also remember that you have the right to take care of yourself! You’re responsible for you, meaning, when you need to say no, SAY NO!

At present, I’m noticing that I still have a slight issue when it comes to certain types of people who ask me invasive questions. I for some reason feel the need to answer even if it’s rude, inappropriate, or questionable. I do notice that I feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort is less than when I think about how uncomfortable it might be to say, “I don’t want to answer that question,”- but, as with any portion of learning boundaries, it’s important to 1. recognize where you’re giving your power away, 2. take a moment when you feel that discomfort 3. realize you do have the right to assert your needs.

Hope this helps <3

Love and Male/Female Energies

We hear this all the time: to attract love you have to love yourself

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

The prerequisite to loving oneself is a sense of wholeness. When we are scattered, when we disown parts of ourself, and we create separation within, we are actively NOT loving ourselves. The process of integration is the process of falling in love with oneself. And wholeness is what attracts wholeness.

When we are seeking externally that which we don't have inside, that's when we run into issues with our ego, our insecurity and our repetitive patterns. That's what we have, as Freud would call it, repetition compulsion. And even if that "love" fulfills itself, which isn't even the end goal unconsciously (unconsciously it's to play out and resolve a trauma, we just think consciously that we're seeking love) it becomes an immature love. Most of the time it's quite simple. When we don't love ourselves, we're actively looking for love out there. But how is this really possible in an increasingly high stakes arena? We're all so de-personalized as a society when it comes to dating, we swipe people. We ghost. 

The issue with making other people give us what we don't give ourselves is that we create codependency which naturally is not healthy. We end up making the other person responsible for our needs, and that is parasitic. Mature love functions in a state of harmony where both people are responsible for themselves so they have more to give one another from a genuine place of giving, not as an obligation.

The problem here is that most people mistake obligation for love. Think about how many times you've felt obligated for friends or family and recognize that that might be telling you something is inherently unhealthy in the relationship. Because within a truly positive and healthy framework, even the most mundane things are things you WANT to do for the other person not because you feel like you HAVE to. Not to mention if we do have healthy relationships and therefore healthy boundaries, no one would pressure or guilt you into something you don't want to do. Therefore obligation cannot possibly exist.

In this vein it's important to look at male and female energies. In no way is this to do with expressed gender- male and female energies are a natural part of all of us just like yin yang and the elements. The issue with our current society is that we are forced into imbalance. We are forced to express only one or the other, or have highly exaggerated male energies AND we largely live in an unconscious and weakened energetic state. What I mean by this is internally, reaching a place of non-binary is essential. That's why the ascended masters all had a rather androgynous way of expression. Even if externally you are cis gendered, it's important to understand how both M/F energies are fine tuned within. Because again, if we have a lack of male energy within, we'll seek that male energy outside of us but usually in the unconscious form and vice versa. 

Example: If someone is heavily skewed towards the feminine, but the feminine is not well cultivated/conscious because the masculine is disowned, then this person will likely seek out very authoritative "strong" male and unconscious energies that end up being domineering towards her

It's difficult to integrate and develop both energies and bring them into the conscious because our society has been so heavily skewed towards the unconscious masculine energy and to a weakened feminine energy. Not to mention, women have been programmed to disown their own feminine energies because it is believed to be "weak" and lean towards masculine energies to survive in the work place. Think about it. Why is there so much shame surrounding a woman's menstrual cycle? Why is it that women have so much trouble conceiving in this current time? Why are there so many cases of breast and ovarian cancer? Why are we all skewed towards the rational masculine side of the brain and being right handed is the norm? Even the most subtle expectations skew our balance. We as humans are sensitive beings, we have just learned to disown that too. "We" in the general sense, not you and I :)

The divine, conscious expression of both of those energies is something very different. It exudes a strength, not an insecurity. Luckily, with the current planetary energies, men are learning to open their hearts and accept the divine feminine within. Women are learning to empower their feminine energies too and change the perception of feminine energies as weak (both polarities are weak in their unconscious and underdeveloped form, of course-- and no matter how domineering the unconscious masculine is, it is still weak because all of that bravado is a display of insecurity and acknowledgement of weakness. All that forcing is going to break them not to mention, solar plexus chakra focused power over others mentality cannot survive in our Aquarian heart centered, power of love mentality). With this comes a new understanding of what it means to embody masculine/feminine.