Narcissistic Abuse

This is speaking on behalf of the narcissistic abuse victim—

Pathological narcissists rely on fracturing their victim’s identity, so that they’re cut off from themselves. That’s why there’s so much gaslighting, denial, blame shifting and usage of distraction mechanisms. When you’re cut off from your inner knowing, it becomes harder to see the truth.

An example of this is, say, a narcissistic partner is cheating on you. You may get an intuitive sense that something isn’t right, but every time you ask, you’re put in the spotlight or told that you’re crazy. Examples of how this can take place:

1. How can you accuse me of something like that? I’ve never done that in my life (lying, denial, blame shifting- because now you’re the bad person, you’ve accused them)

2. Can you give me the benefit of the doubt? (blame shifting- it’s your fault)

3. You’re too sensitive (gaslighting)

4. You’re imagining things (gaslighting)

5. You’re crazy (gaslighting)

6. I tell you everything (lying, manipulation)

7. You weren’t right about x so how can you be right about this? (gaslighting, creating doubt)

8. Admission of something else, to cover up their deceit (a bid to appear honest, but still lying)

9. Active refusal to engage (stonewalling, punishing)

10. You’ve had bad experiences in the past so you’re projecting onto me (blame shifting)

11. Actual distortion of truth and the importance of honesty (i.e. I’m not lying about anything, I don’t count that as lying)

12. Everyone lies it’s not a big deal, or everyone does it, it’s not a big deal (minimizing)

13. I was just so lonely! It was your fault! (blame shifting, plea for sympathy)

14. They get angry and cause a scene (distraction)

15. You always need to be right don’t you? It’s like your ego can’t handle if you aren’t (blame shifting)

This isn’t all of it! There are countless manipulation tactics the narcissist can employ to make you feel like it’s YOU who’s paranoid, or ill, or to have reason to doubt yourself and your intuition. You can feel like you’re the bad guy for accusing someone so good. When this happens in the long term, victims often feel cut off from themselves, from their power, from their inner voices. This can manifest in depression, anxiety, panic attacks and actually feeling like you are going crazy. Something feels very off, and you feel more and more distant to yourself, to your family and friends. You wonder why your world just doesn’t feel the same way it used to. Where’s your joy? Why do you feel drained all the time?

This is a similar energy that some things like cults will do, or bad gurus.

The reason why these tactics are employed are because if you are out of body, if you are shut down, if you are separated from yourself, then you end up attacking yourself and doing the work for them. An example of this would be, the inner dialogue would be convincing yourself that you’re imagining things, or being paranoid, or convincing yourself that the narcissist is amazing and you don’t deserve them. Your mind goes overboard trying to rectify the cognitive dissonance you are feeling about the situation and the person, and also trying to quiet all the warning signals in the body. You then become more compliant, because you’re cut off from your power. You become more easily manipulated. You’ve surrendered.

Other ways we can feel when we are caught up in narcissistic abuse cycles are: insecure, we may even feel unable to sleep, we may have various ailments pop up out of nowhere, we may get colds all the time even though previously our immune systems were strong, we may find ourselves fixating on the narcissist to the detriment of our own lives. We may start feel really bad about ourselves, or fixating on our flaws, or working tirelessly to improve our communication skills or some aspect of ourselves because we feel like we are to blame (even though the narcissist does nothing). If in a romantic relationship, we may feel very jealous even though we’re not normally jealous. We may also feel very off balance, or unstable, when usually we aren’t this way. The narcissist will use this against you too, even though it’s their instability and chaos that’s making you feel these things.

WATCH OUT FOR THIS. Even though some of us might not be ready in various stages to see how we’re being manipulated because we can really care for, and love the other person, we need to listen to our bodies when we notice something like this happening.

It is what is called, “Crazymaking”. You’re not crazy, but they’ll make you feel like you are. They’ll keep devaluing you, insinuating things to diminish you until you feel so small. This helps them feel bigger, better, and maintain their illusion. They need YOU to believe in their good in order to feel that they are. They need YOU to feel crazy so that they don’t feel their shame about cheating, or their addictions and lies. Essentially, they need YOU to take over responsibility and blame. Narcissists rely heavily on outside feedback, and if they have their one person, their victim, who reflects back what they want to hear and believe about themselves, then everything is ok in their world. Their egos remain afloat, their secrets remain hidden, their truth becomes obscured, and their shame and inferiority are tucked away.

Empaths & Narcissists/Sociopaths

What came first, the empath or the sociopath?

Do either create the other? Why do they always exist in such close proximity?

Whenever I speak to an empath, it seems that they’re involved in some capacity with a narcissist whether in friendship, romance or family. Google this topic and you’ll see it discussed everywhere. Bottom line is, it’s not just the narcissist that’s attracted to the empath, it goes both ways.

Many articles out there will place the blame on one of the parties. It can feel comforting as an empath to read that it’s the narcissist’s fault, but honestly that robs healing from the empath because by accepting it’s partly your (disclaimer: I’m speaking as the empath, as that’s what I have experience with- trust me I’ve spent many many years empathizing with the part of the sociopath/narcissist but for the purposes of this post I’m writing for the empath) choosing, you can then take responsibility. Remember, all dynamics are 50/50 even if they seem skewed. Sometimes the choice is more PASSIVE which is why it seems less like a decided choice.

Someone can be narcissistic and not be a narcissist, someone can be sociopathic, and not be a full blown sociopath. Remember that this all exists on a spectrum, but the traits are there whether they’re expressed fully or not. The thing that makes narcissists so attractive is that there’s a charm, paired with a certain neediness. Empaths tend to be devotional people, and sometimes when someone is both needy, charming and grandiose, it’s all the elements needed to activate that devotion.

I’m literally WIRED to be attracted to narcissists because well, it’s my unconscious showing me my early childhood dynamics. Both my parents were narcissists, my father a full blown one, and my mother more on the covert narcissistic side. Covert narcissists can reframe themselves as martyrs, but their narcissism is just hidden. It’s like, I’ll do everything to seem selfless, but there’s an unconscious/conscious/energetic expectation that you then owe me. Guilt is the mainstay in any type of relationship with a covert narcissist. As they say, martyring can often be the most selfish thing in the world even if it doesn’t carry the appearance.

How do you identify a narcissist? They’ll love bomb the sh** out of you. They usually have high acuity when it comes to identifying your needs and wants, and will morph themselves to adopt those characteristics. There’s also, ALWAYS going to be some sort of “leak” where you do see them switch off to their real selves- and often they will actually tell you straight up (I’m not kidding). But, empaths will often want to give the benefit of the doubt, or excuse whatever it is they say even if it raises questions.

You’ll start to notice along the way that they put demands on your time and energy, and that everything comes back to them and their needs. Their expectations are high, and they’ll find some way to devalue your needs. They’ll also gaslight you and try to convince you of certain things, like why honesty isn’t necessary, or why, if you see through them, what you’re sensing isn’t real, true or logical. They need what they need when they need it. Selfishness is engrained, it’s like they can’t see outside of themselves.

Their egos control them, and they need constant narcissistic supply. This can differ from person to person what counts as that supply, but most will need love, validation, ego stroking. I know that some of these are what most people need, but they tend to require devotion that’s one sided, and don’t care if it causes harm to the supplier) They need to be admired by multiple people at once, and feel they can do whatever it is that they want including lie in order to procure that supply. An example would be a person who cheats on multiple people and strings each of them along based on false promises/claims of exclusivity in order to get what they want, and make sure that they’re the only object of affection for all.

The truth is in their eyes too, and this especially applies to sociopaths. There’s this.. stare… a vacant stare, or a feeling where you can’t see into their eyes like they have some sort of shield up that hides only nothingness. It’s hard to explain. There’s also this sense of unevenness in the eyes. When they look at you it’s like it only goes one way, like a smoke screen, one way mirror.

Last way you can tell? Oh, you know. You can feel it, if you’re an empath. The thing here to watch out for is if you’re programmed to feel comfortable with a socio/narc because it was in your upbringing, you can feel comfortable around them. Just be very conscious of this when you’re working this out.

You will feel drained. You will feel gaslit. You will feel like you’re going crazy. You will feel like nothing you do will ever be enough. You will feel taken advantage of. That’s their MO they will take advantage of you because both of those types of personalities think other people exist to provide something to them and that’s the only way you can exist to them otherwise they will find other supply.

How do you deal with them?

Most people will tell you how to set boundaries. Two of my favorite coaches who speak on this topic are Lisa Romano (she’s AMAZING!) and Stephanie Lyn (also AMAZING!)

In my experience, for me it’s better to DROP. I’ve sustained relationships with narcissists/socios for years, and it always weighs on me no matter how vocal I am or how many boundaries I set. Because the socio especially will say what you want to hear and agree to your boundaries without making changes, just to drag this on more.

You may feel aggravated and confused after talking to them. They won’t take responsibility for themselves, and they likely won’t in the long run. It helps to acknowledge what it is you’re getting from the relationship. Usually, empaths derive some sort of worth or validation unconsciously/consciously from the dynamic. Empaths typically like to feel needed because most empaths have at some point in time been unilaterally responsible for someone else’s needs, and those two types have a lot of needs! Once you identify what you get, try to figure out another way to develop it in yourself without involving yourself in a toxic relationship. It could be as simple as distraction, because the socio/narc is a GREAT distraction because so much of the focus is on them. I say this because even though it is an imbalanced exchange, it’s important to be conscious that it’s not one person’s fault. There are underlying needs that are being met and the sooner you recognize what those needs are, the quicker you can remove yourself from something potentially harmful.

My process now is, I will usually still give them the benefit of the doubt unless my intuition is screaming to remove myself from the situation immediately, which has happened before. If I sense from a conversation that I’m being gaslit, or told inauthentic promises, or when there’s absolute denial, I know it’s done.

Being fixated on a socio/narc takes up a lot of bandwidth from your own life and from the energy you can be investing in other people where there’s more even give and take.

Good luck!

Boundaries

BOUNDARIES. This is such a huge topic! Feels like I’ve been working on boundaries forever and that’s because just like us, our boundaries grow and evolve as we change. I think it’s always healthy to revisit and renegotiate these with yourself.

My relationship with boundaries has been a nebulous one- I grew up in a household where we weren’t allowed any boundaries- it’s partly cultural as naturally in Chinese culture, families are more involved and enmeshed, but partly because of a toxic environment in which my parents didn’t know where they began and where they ended, nor did they allow me any agency or division or individuality. I was punished and shamed for setting boundaries, and as a result my nervous system encoded that it is not safe to set boundaries as the backlash that I suffer as a result are more costly than having those boundaries invaded in the first place.

Obviously, this created a rather painful life. But through recovery and the process of healing, and that means continual practice, continual auditing of my experiences, continual checking in and continual research, I’ve gotten so much better.

What’s important for me to remember, and for others who are working on their boundaries too, is- if you grew up in an abusive situation or one that demanded co-dependency, or self-sacrificing behaviors, or people pleasing, boundaries are going to feel so uncomfortable. But know that boundaries differ from person to person, so never let someone else’s lack of boundaries make you feel like you don’t deserve boundaries around a certain thing.

For example, I’ve never liked it when predatory men feel entitled to touch me randomly- and I mean, people I do not know, people I do not want to know. I remember one particular incident when I was at a party as a girl in my early 20’s with a few friends and a man who I did NOT invite into my space in any way, sat down next to me and put his hands all over me. I said to him, “Do NOT touch me” and he went to my friends (at the time) and complained about me, and then put his hands on them which in their relationship with the world, was completely acceptable (it’s funny how in a lot of people’s world’s, this is acceptable- more on that in a separate blog post). In retrospect, obviously I see this man for who he is- an entitled creep- but at the time because my friends had different boundaries and I was indirectly shamed, I felt bad for setting that boundary. BUT as I said, boundaries differ. Other people might think it’s permissible but that doesn’t mean anything about your boundaries and comfort level!!

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In the process of forming healthy boundaries, you’ll inevitably also create walls. This is sort of like a pendulum swinging from no boundaries, to walls, and then you eventually meet somewhere in the middle. This is perfectly okay. Just notice when you build walls, and know that it’s actually out of self-protection. As you start developing a healthier, more trusting relationship with the world, the walls soften invariably.

Another thing I constantly encounter is the fear of hurting the other person. I’m very sensitive to the feelings of others and sometimes it feels more painful for someone else to experience rejection than myself, so out of habit I’ll put myself in the position of sacrificing something, or giving something up. This happened very unconsciously, and it’s something I notice that a lot of empaths do. We don’t want other people to be in pain. But in the end, we end up being the ones in pain. With regard to this one, it’s good to consciously notice when and where you do this, and recognize that in sparing someone else rejection, you’re projecting on them your own fear/pain of rejection. It’s good to get clear on this and work on this in yourself, and once you work through this, you’ll see it shifting from your relationship with other people. Meaning, when you’re okay with rejection and no longer take it personally, you won’t assume that other people take it personally. Also remember that you have the right to take care of yourself! You’re responsible for you, meaning, when you need to say no, SAY NO!

At present, I’m noticing that I still have a slight issue when it comes to certain types of people who ask me invasive questions. I for some reason feel the need to answer even if it’s rude, inappropriate, or questionable. I do notice that I feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort is less than when I think about how uncomfortable it might be to say, “I don’t want to answer that question,”- but, as with any portion of learning boundaries, it’s important to 1. recognize where you’re giving your power away, 2. take a moment when you feel that discomfort 3. realize you do have the right to assert your needs.

Hope this helps <3