We’ve all at one point in time chased unavailable partners. Especially if you lean towards the anxious attachment style, the avoidant type may seem very appealing. Part of the development of the anxious attachment style has to do with having needs met inconsistently, which the avoidant type does so well. Sometimes the avoidant type is there, other times, well most times, he/she/they are not.
It’s likely a pattern, but there are different ways unavailability shows up.
They can be:
emotionally unavailable (distant, cold, emotionally cut off, secretive)
married, or in a “committed” relationship
workaholic
drug user
physically distant (always traveling, or live in a different place)
All of the above reveal something: that the unavailable partner is investing the majority of his/her/their time already in a relationship with something else, whether that be substances, work, or another person. They’re physically, emotionally, mentally not engaged with you and most likely, this is an offshoot of them being unavailable to themselves, deep down, too.
The thing is, when we choose unavailable partners, most of the time subconsciously there’s a need we’re chasing after to fulfill. This need can be deeply unconscious, and be something that we’re seeking to resolve from a childhood attachment wound. For example, my father was largely unavailable my entire life. He was physically always traveling, emotionally, didn’t have the capacity to be vulnerable or present, not to mention I didn’t meet him until I was 3. What this created was an unconscious need and desire for a certain type of male validation, attention and love. I found myself in repeated cycles with the same type of man: unavailable, secretive, self-absorbed and in pain— but.. high achieving, successful and very similar to my dad in temperament (aka domineering and angry)
The interesting thing is, all of the men were in the position to offer me what it was I wanted. I think that when we seek out these unavailable partners, they all have an inkling of potential to satisfy that/those specific needs we have. All times, I left these situations disappointed because most of these relationships function on the basis of your projection of unfulfilled desires and desire for unconscious resolution. There were times when I was offered what I had been seeking the whole time. Some of these men fell in love with me. And you know what I did, after spending so much of my time and energy trying to "convince” these men I was worthy of their love and attention? I suddenly came to the realization I never wanted it in the first place! That’s right. When it’s presented to you, you most likely will come to the realization you do not want the relationship. It was never about them even though it seemed it was so much about them. You may have devoted everything to them. No, it’s about you.
The reason being is, the thing that we crave, the thing that almost feels like we can’t live without.. well the truth is, we never had it. So, we never needed it.
That stark truth sets in when we’re presented with it. That’s why some people who want unavailable partners actually avoid available partners. We all do this in some ways. We want the people who don’t want us and shy away from the people who are way too obvious about their affections— that’s why hard to get is such a widespread tactic, after all. The underbelly of the anxious attachment style IS unavailability. The reason why people seek unavailable partners repetitively is because it’s safe. There’s no risk of real vulnerability and attachment, because it can never form into a real healthy relationship.
Once you start feeling more emotionally ready and start doing the hard work around intimacy, love, attachment style and need, these patterns dissipate. You’ll find yourself more secure in your attachment, more ready and willing for real partnership, and therefore will attract matches who are much more available. Just be careful when you do find that familiar feeling of uncertainty and “thrill” and find yourself wondering how the other person feels, because more likely than not, if you have a lot of questions and doubt about how someone feels about you, they’re likely unavailable and unhealthy for you.