Life Update

It’s been a while that I’ve posted anything personal on here.

Almost 2 years ago, I sustained a near fatal injury that I still haven’t fully recovered from. One of the lasting impacts of this was brain damage. Although this path was painful, there was a large part of me, my intuitive knowing, that reassured me that this was the path. We can’t expect “the path”, meaning, our spiritual path, to be a smooth one. It’s meant to be one filled with challenges and events that look like terrible things at the onset, but later reveal a greater wisdom.

Yes, my last 2 years were extremely extremely difficult. But yet, even in the darkest days I found a certain beauty. I found a path to awakening, a path to healing, a path to deeper self love, self care and commitment. I learned truly how to put myself first and set clear boundaries around my time. The amount of self work I’ve been able to complete I couldn’t have done in 15 years time had this not happened. And, it’s in a strange way, set me up for the rest of my life- I now have a foundation of nutrition, biohacking, sleep hygiene, exercise that is so meticulous that I would never have been able to put together had it not been a life or death situation. I mention biohacking because what happened to me was something that on the physical side, makes someone lose their hair, destroys DNA (so then your body can’t synthesize protein or collagen) and changes body composition and contributes to obesity. So in essence, it ages you and destroys your metabolism, but I was able to reverse age and get my body nearly back to its original composition through research, trial and error and a deeply committed approach to cleansing and healing.

On the emotional/mental side, what happened to me not only destroyed my brain chemistry and hormones, but also causes intense anxiety and depression. My baseline for happiness dropped so much that in this difficult journey to regulate it, even the smallest joys or the hour long windows where I feel nearly normal are celebrated. I don’t take anything for granted anymore, and that in itself is a liberating state however hard it was to come by. You can’t appreciate things if you don’t have the right state of mind, after all.

In the past 6 months at least, I’ve struggled with symptoms that look close to early on-set dementia. That’s been something that’s very challenging to cope with, however, I have also noticed that my intuitive abilities, spiritual abilities, extrasensory abilities however you want to address them, have increased exponentially. Intuitive hits used to come in fast- but now it’s like a race car and the depth to which I can perceive and synthesize the metaphysical have reached a level that I’m even having difficulty comprehending.

It hit me like a lightning bolt yesterday- I remember in my studies of psych/neuroscience that sometimes when people experience head trauma they will suddenly be able to access psychic abilities they previously didn’t have. Or, sometimes after a car accident someone will have a life changing kundalini awakening that induces phenomena (I’ve met someone this happened to- he developed the ability to see auras). Or, sometimes people have what is called savant syndrome where one part of the brain is damaged and that activates (or lessens the inhibition) another part of the brain that suddenly breathes life to dormant high level abilities. The ever famous Phineas Gage who had a metal rod run through his head had a total personality makeover. In all of these cases, damage was done to the left frontal lobe.

The parts of my brain that were damaged include the frontal and the parietal lobe. I have a sense that because of this, my brain overcompensated by rewiring and activating other parts of my brain that are not damaged, one of which is the center of intuition. When I tune in, I can actually feel that the lower part of my brain feels much more active and energized that I’ve ever noticed before. With each day, it feels stronger, too.

That may not be the main purpose of this pathway that I travelled, but it is one of the purposes, I’m told intuitively. I also know that this is a permanent change, as my brain trauma heals the wiring will also repair, but the networks will already be established in the lower regions and stay active.

Upon researching, I found confirmation from neuroscientists, and to me this is such a revelation.

Just like any type of trauma for which I’m not thankful for, what results is a cataclysmic chain of events that are as much of, or more of, its contrast (should you be a beauty seeker, a healer, someone who can stay the course and use it as such). I’ve been stuck in moments of self-pity or wallowing in the unfairness of it all as I have about traumatic events from the past, but until we “zoom out” we can’t see what it’s all for and why we had to endure it. In fact, we might not even be able to see that part of us selected it. Because it’s meant to make us better.

So here I am today, with a full head of hair, with my body in probably the best shape of my life, with a level of self-unity that I’ve never come close to before. I may not be able to think straight still, and still feel sick most days, still have a pounding headache and brain fog, but what I do have is a rapidly healing brain that is accelerating past what is considered “normal” abilities (not that I ever considered myself as someone with “normal” abilities nor I’m sure, does anyone who is reading this blog). I can now see that there was no other way for me to get here in as short of a span of time as this has been, despite it feeling way too long. And I can see that the joy, the health, and the success that I’ll experience for the rest of my life is due in part to who I am today and the path of fire I was able to walk through in one piece. And to get here, this is due in part to the little girl I once was, who bravely walked through the fires of her childhood too, alone, but always whole.

Addictions

We’re all familiar with the obvious ways addictions can show up: recreational drugs, alcohol, food, sex and drugs

Those can bring us into dark territories and serve to numb and sedate us, and fill an inexplicable void.

Then there are the innocuous ones like coffee and work which are typically normalized and not so extreme

But what about the ones like love, sugar, social media, technology, adrenaline or feeling bad about ourselves?

In the past few years, my diet has become a lot cleaner. As I venture farther on my spiritual path I’ve stopped imbibing in alcohol and any sort of drugs as my body becomes more sensitive and as I stop partaking in normalized social behaviors. When I worked a full time job, it was expected of me to grab a drink with coworkers, or friends after works, or even clients. Alcoholism seemed so embedded in our social etiquette and in our coming of age narratives too. Everyone thinks of college as the time of experimentation with drugs, alcohol and sex.

Although I’ve gone months to a full year sometimes cutting out alcohol, drugs and/or sex, as my life becomes cleaner it forces me to re-evaluate where “softer” addictions still occupy spaces in my life and why it is that society normalizes these addictions, as well as what I’m trying to distract from by using them.

For instance, I’ve recently cut out sugar as part of a preparatory cleanse. This made me conscious about how sugar is literally in everything. For a day or two I felt depressed because I couldn’t engage in my life normally. With cutting out caffeine entirely, too, (I haven’t had any coffee in years but I do like green tea and matcha), my life drastically change and took on a new consciousness. I had to read food labels carefully. I couldn’t go to “grab a matcha” whenever I was feeling antsy at home or to distract from how tired I was some days. Without sugar, I quickly realized how hard it was to eat out, even at healthy vegan restaurants. Even my salad dressing has maple syrup in it!

Beginning in January I also stopped dating entirely and deleted every dating app. I started to realize how much of my time/energy/attention was being sapped by just scrolling through dating apps when I was bored. This was time that could’ve been spent on myself, instead it was spent swiping. I also took a break from all social media for a few months and did a technology cleanse for a few days. It became more apparent how inextricable it all is to our functioning- our addictions become essential to being productive in our lives.

I noticed I also had a habit of trying to make myself feel bad about myself. I used to be codependent, and codependency is an addiction. When we are addicted to narcissistic dynamics, we are obsessed with feeling bad about ourselves or finding ways we are dysfunctional or unlovable. This pattern felt so much a part of my life because it was modeled after caregivers that I didn’t even recognize it as an addiction I could free myself from.

All of this is making it clearer for me to see where it is I’m still “dependent” and where I have absolute autonomy in my life. The wonderful thing is that the more we take control over these aspects and clear our more addictions, more ways we give away our power, the more confident we feel in our lives. It is directly related.

I write this to encourage you to take inventory of your life too. How much of it is based on forms of addiction? What is it that you’re distracting yourself from, and what is it filling in your life? Often times we default to addictions because of unhealed patterns, not to mention addictions fill the spaces between the connection with ourselves. When we avoid things, we usually opt for addictions, even if it’s just anxiety that we’re smoking or drinking away. Maybe it’s loneliness and emptiness that fuels someone to engage in compulsive sex or dating. Some of these patterns of behavior feel so normalized in modern day, but that doesn’t mean that they’re adding to our health and happiness. In fact, I’d argue that they’re drastically decreasing our wellbeing. These mechanisms serve to sever our connection to ourselves more.

The more addictions I clear out, the more I notice more of what I’m suppressing in my emotional body. Although I’m well aware of my internal processes at this stage of my life, I get to see more nooks and crannies so to speak, the more I rid of these coping mechanisms. This is difficult, but this is the challenge of being human and the clarity, self control that’s achievable on the other side is well worth it, in my mind.

Hold Steady! Great Conjunction Update

A lot of us are going through huge life shifts at this moment and experiencing turbulence on the spiritual and bodily level. I myself am, and here’s an explanation that I’m both channeling, am learning from my personal experience and have gleaned from a meeting with a shaman that I work with.

With the Great Conjunction and Winter Solstice, we were all shifting and letting go of a lot of the weighty past that couldn’t come with us into where we’re heading, into the new year, into a new world and energy. Some of you know that that time marked the official beginning of the “Age of Aquarius” which I always thought of as such a woo-woo term, but I myself do feel the drastic change in energy. You may have noticed that a lot of contrast was highlighted- some people started really going downhill in their life and some people started upgrading. Within each of us is that exact contrast, as we each internally go through that sifting process of what to keep and what to leave behind.

With the earth being flooded with charged vibrational energy our bodies are forced to release a lot of density that we may have accumulated our whole lives. Old aches, pains, memories, negative emotions especially at the survival level of root and sacral are all coming up for review- that means everything to do with foundation (childhood), home, safety, relationships and emotions. I’ve noticed especially with women, and through my own experience, a lot of this centers around healing of the womb in a new way, a deeper way. We’re clearing a level of female wounding, collectively. So, pain in the womb, UTI’s may come seemingly out of nowhere.

For those of us who “completed” what we needed to work out before the winter solstice, it is an easier ride as we made enough space to integrate the light energy. For those of us who didn’t, it may feel a lot harder because the energies are amplifying the density as it forcibly moves it out, if we choose to upgrade that is.

The shaman that I work with mentioned that the full Saturn/Jupiter conjunction didn’t happen- the overlap wasn’t exact, and therefore instead of merging 3D to 5D, it split the timeline into two, so now 3d and 5d are both happening at once. That’s why there’s such a stark contrast. Each of us are given a choice to make, do we want to stay in 3d or do we want to shift to 5d and stay there? 3d is where there’s fear. We’re given the choice through engagement, as we will get tested with the people and situations around us that either are of the 3d or the 5d and we can decide what course to take.

In the last 2 months I was given a very strong test. I almost didn’t make it, but luckily as I reaped the lessons and broke the energetic/spiritual contracts, I made a decisive cut of the energy that could no longer exist in my life. If the energy is a person, that means you need to de-personalize them because the 5d is about the energetics. I needed to make a necessary cut in my life, no matter how much I liked the person and needed to hold on. You’ll come to find that people who were in your life for a long long time who didn’t shift over to 5d, and if you’re choosing to be on the 5d, you just can’t have in your life anymore. I know, it sucks, but it’s a choice and as my shaman said, it’s about letting people go about their own journeys. In my mind, it’s about respecting the choices someone makes and letting them take responsibility.

As soon as I made the choice in my life, suddenly I was back “online” and in my own energy again, and already the year feels much smoother. You’ll know you’re back in your own energy when you feel yourself again, you feel calm and you feel relieved. I start seeing positive signs immediately in my life. So, can’t wait to “see” you guys again this year over in the 5d!

Narcissistic Abuse

This is speaking on behalf of the narcissistic abuse victim—

Pathological narcissists rely on fracturing their victim’s identity, so that they’re cut off from themselves. That’s why there’s so much gaslighting, denial, blame shifting and usage of distraction mechanisms. When you’re cut off from your inner knowing, it becomes harder to see the truth.

An example of this is, say, a narcissistic partner is cheating on you. You may get an intuitive sense that something isn’t right, but every time you ask, you’re put in the spotlight or told that you’re crazy. Examples of how this can take place:

1. How can you accuse me of something like that? I’ve never done that in my life (lying, denial, blame shifting- because now you’re the bad person, you’ve accused them)

2. Can you give me the benefit of the doubt? (blame shifting- it’s your fault)

3. You’re too sensitive (gaslighting)

4. You’re imagining things (gaslighting)

5. You’re crazy (gaslighting)

6. I tell you everything (lying, manipulation)

7. You weren’t right about x so how can you be right about this? (gaslighting, creating doubt)

8. Admission of something else, to cover up their deceit (a bid to appear honest, but still lying)

9. Active refusal to engage (stonewalling, punishing)

10. You’ve had bad experiences in the past so you’re projecting onto me (blame shifting)

11. Actual distortion of truth and the importance of honesty (i.e. I’m not lying about anything, I don’t count that as lying)

12. Everyone lies it’s not a big deal, or everyone does it, it’s not a big deal (minimizing)

13. I was just so lonely! It was your fault! (blame shifting, plea for sympathy)

14. They get angry and cause a scene (distraction)

15. You always need to be right don’t you? It’s like your ego can’t handle if you aren’t (blame shifting)

This isn’t all of it! There are countless manipulation tactics the narcissist can employ to make you feel like it’s YOU who’s paranoid, or ill, or to have reason to doubt yourself and your intuition. You can feel like you’re the bad guy for accusing someone so good. When this happens in the long term, victims often feel cut off from themselves, from their power, from their inner voices. This can manifest in depression, anxiety, panic attacks and actually feeling like you are going crazy. Something feels very off, and you feel more and more distant to yourself, to your family and friends. You wonder why your world just doesn’t feel the same way it used to. Where’s your joy? Why do you feel drained all the time?

This is a similar energy that some things like cults will do, or bad gurus.

The reason why these tactics are employed are because if you are out of body, if you are shut down, if you are separated from yourself, then you end up attacking yourself and doing the work for them. An example of this would be, the inner dialogue would be convincing yourself that you’re imagining things, or being paranoid, or convincing yourself that the narcissist is amazing and you don’t deserve them. Your mind goes overboard trying to rectify the cognitive dissonance you are feeling about the situation and the person, and also trying to quiet all the warning signals in the body. You then become more compliant, because you’re cut off from your power. You become more easily manipulated. You’ve surrendered.

Other ways we can feel when we are caught up in narcissistic abuse cycles are: insecure, we may even feel unable to sleep, we may have various ailments pop up out of nowhere, we may get colds all the time even though previously our immune systems were strong, we may find ourselves fixating on the narcissist to the detriment of our own lives. We may start feel really bad about ourselves, or fixating on our flaws, or working tirelessly to improve our communication skills or some aspect of ourselves because we feel like we are to blame (even though the narcissist does nothing). If in a romantic relationship, we may feel very jealous even though we’re not normally jealous. We may also feel very off balance, or unstable, when usually we aren’t this way. The narcissist will use this against you too, even though it’s their instability and chaos that’s making you feel these things.

WATCH OUT FOR THIS. Even though some of us might not be ready in various stages to see how we’re being manipulated because we can really care for, and love the other person, we need to listen to our bodies when we notice something like this happening.

It is what is called, “Crazymaking”. You’re not crazy, but they’ll make you feel like you are. They’ll keep devaluing you, insinuating things to diminish you until you feel so small. This helps them feel bigger, better, and maintain their illusion. They need YOU to believe in their good in order to feel that they are. They need YOU to feel crazy so that they don’t feel their shame about cheating, or their addictions and lies. Essentially, they need YOU to take over responsibility and blame. Narcissists rely heavily on outside feedback, and if they have their one person, their victim, who reflects back what they want to hear and believe about themselves, then everything is ok in their world. Their egos remain afloat, their secrets remain hidden, their truth becomes obscured, and their shame and inferiority are tucked away.

Painful Experiences

When we go through pain, it’s important to sit with it instead of bypassing. The (unconscious) human tendency is to push it down, get over it, distract ourselves. It’s human as much as it is inhumane, because instead of what animals naturally do (they dispel energy and literally shake it off) humans tend to want to tuck it away somewhere so it’s not felt or seen.

Sometimes we do this so unconsciously. But this has energetic consequences. It can create blocks in our system that then have other consequences. For instance, if we don’t express, we also tend to block our creative expression too. Writer’s block is often a symptom of blocked emotional expression.

It may feel comforting to let it simmer elsewhere in our bodies instead of feel the tears, the rage, the anguish, the broken heart, but it will surface at another time and in another way. If we move through it now it becomes so much easier on the physical body too, because it hurts our physicality to hold so much unprocessed emotional pain. Aches always have a direct emotional root.

How we can begin to release the pain is to first check in on our bodies through a body scan. What is lighting up for you? Notice it, and ask it what it’s telling you. I sometimes find this much easier to do in the presence of someone who I trust, or with a practitioner who knows how to hold space. Secondly, I find that if we touch the area that’s lighting up, we can assist the process as well. When we hold ourselves, we comfort the body so that it feels safer and more reassured. The body communicates with tactility, so it responds well to it too.

We can often wonder what the reason is. Did we attract this? Why? What is the pain teaching us?

In the initial stages it might be hard and insensitive to try to ascribe a reason to the painful experience. But when you’re ready, it can help a lot to find the larger lesson. Pain is a great teacher, if not the best teacher. We grow in our resilience and strength, and as one healer I worked with today said, “painful experiences happen to people who can handle them. It’s not the experience that defines you, it’s how you emerge from it,”

I remember my first spiritual teachers told me, “the only way out is through,” we do have to deal with the pain in order to find the light. Sometimes it can feel like it’s never ending, but there’s always an end in sight. This reached a new level of applicability when I began acting, and finding that the greatest resource I could possibly have was my pain. It’s in my pain that I can find vulnerability, bravery, and relatability. It’s through my pain I can find compassion.

Sometimes, if the pain was inflicted by someone else, we also need to understand that some people are suffering. Their pain controls them because they haven’t learned to move through it. Hurt people hurt people, is the saying. Unfortunately, we can become casualties to other people’s pain, and for a brief period of time the light in our hearts may dim from it. Our hearts may become guarded for some time, but in the long term, we’ll be able to see the gift that is pain if we allow ourselves to see our pain first. Then it doesn’t control us, and then we don’t repeat the cycle.

Most times, it’s not that we attract pain into our lives. There’s a real danger in accepting the spiritual “truth” that is that everything we attract is something about us. I find it to be at best, an easy default and at worst, insulting. Sure, a lot of times people around us can mirror something about us we need to heal, but not all the time. Even the highest vibrational person is not immune to pain.