Perfectionism

I myself am guilty of perfectionism. There is always an unrealistic standard that I’ve set for myself that I somehow fail to meet. In my mind, it’s realistic because I’ve been exposed to this standard before, it’s not born of nowhere.

I won’t go into the mechanics of how perfectionism is created through upbringing, since many of you already know what goes into this and how it’s modeled.

What this creates in someone who lives with this is a deep fear of “not good enough” and secondly, a developing well of self directed frustration as well as feelings of failure that are semi-repressed. It’s semi-repressed as long as there’s some metric of success that you must score high on. Perfectionism is fear based, and for those of us who’ve lived with it, we’ve turned that fear (and anxiety) into something that motivates.

It was always very conscious for me as a teen and young adult that if I let go of this, and just suddenly realized I was “good enough” that I’d stop trying. I felt that the alternative was apathy, which I have experienced before. I didn’t know what to substitute the fear motivation for, or that there was another form of motivation.

As I’ve grown, I’ve come to face that fragile ego that’s underneath all of this. The one that took in the programming of deep unworthiness. I remember being very young and in situations where I felt failure, how much I couldn’t handle it because it brought out deep shame. In classes that I wasn’t the best, the stakes felt so high and so intolerable. I somehow couldn’t take it in stride like all the other people who were not the best, who were not good. People who could fail at something or not be good at something and not have it affect their sense of self seemed to have a healthy self-esteem that made them know that just because they weren’t good at this thing, they could keep trying and get better. They also knew that just because they weren’t good at this one thing, it didn’t mean that they were flawed as a person. These were thought processes that I didn’t have even if I identified them consciously.

As I’ve gotten older and done a lot of healing and integration, I’ve specifically challenged myself to do all the things that I’m not particularly gifted at. Sure, other people might argue that I’m not that bad, in fact, that maybe I am better than I think (because in my mind I think I am just awful which is a particular trait associated with perfectionism as well- that my assessment of myself always tends to be worse than what’s “real”). What this challenge does is it forces me to grow- it forces me to confront those shadow elements and fear. It shows me that there’s nothing to fear, and to be more lighthearted in my approach- that just because I can’t do a particular jump or my brain isn’t as quick with a quippy response in improv doesn’t mean that the world is ending, which it often felt like it was when there is a perfectionism that is expected of you, and performance is everything. Most importantly, it shows me to have fun which is something I had long been lacking in childhood.

I remember when the darkness of perfectionism hit me the worst, it wasn’t that long ago. My ego was still in control then and it needed above all else to bolster itself from its feelings of inferiority and frailty. So, I chose to only do things that I was the shining star in. And then my world became so limited, my ego was satisfied but my soul wanted more.

Overall, we’re here for the experience. That means, the totality of life that we get to experience in this human form, with this human intelligence. It’s not about good or bad, it’s about how we meet those experiences and what we take away from them. In the end, I’m. not going to care that I was the best in this one class or one thing, because I care more about growth and process, truly. Success of course is important, and I plan to succeed at the things that I’ve chosen, but I’m also learning to re-assess the bar that I set for myself. I want to do my best, not be the best.

The Void in Self Concept

Boundaries

BOUNDARIES. This is such a huge topic! Feels like I’ve been working on boundaries forever and that’s because just like us, our boundaries grow and evolve as we change. I think it’s always healthy to revisit and renegotiate these with yourself.

My relationship with boundaries has been a nebulous one- I grew up in a household where we weren’t allowed any boundaries- it’s partly cultural as naturally in Chinese culture, families are more involved and enmeshed, but partly because of a toxic environment in which my parents didn’t know where they began and where they ended, nor did they allow me any agency or division or individuality. I was punished and shamed for setting boundaries, and as a result my nervous system encoded that it is not safe to set boundaries as the backlash that I suffer as a result are more costly than having those boundaries invaded in the first place.

Obviously, this created a rather painful life. But through recovery and the process of healing, and that means continual practice, continual auditing of my experiences, continual checking in and continual research, I’ve gotten so much better.

What’s important for me to remember, and for others who are working on their boundaries too, is- if you grew up in an abusive situation or one that demanded co-dependency, or self-sacrificing behaviors, or people pleasing, boundaries are going to feel so uncomfortable. But know that boundaries differ from person to person, so never let someone else’s lack of boundaries make you feel like you don’t deserve boundaries around a certain thing.

For example, I’ve never liked it when predatory men feel entitled to touch me randomly- and I mean, people I do not know, people I do not want to know. I remember one particular incident when I was at a party as a girl in my early 20’s with a few friends and a man who I did NOT invite into my space in any way, sat down next to me and put his hands all over me. I said to him, “Do NOT touch me” and he went to my friends (at the time) and complained about me, and then put his hands on them which in their relationship with the world, was completely acceptable (it’s funny how in a lot of people’s world’s, this is acceptable- more on that in a separate blog post). In retrospect, obviously I see this man for who he is- an entitled creep- but at the time because my friends had different boundaries and I was indirectly shamed, I felt bad for setting that boundary. BUT as I said, boundaries differ. Other people might think it’s permissible but that doesn’t mean anything about your boundaries and comfort level!!

—

In the process of forming healthy boundaries, you’ll inevitably also create walls. This is sort of like a pendulum swinging from no boundaries, to walls, and then you eventually meet somewhere in the middle. This is perfectly okay. Just notice when you build walls, and know that it’s actually out of self-protection. As you start developing a healthier, more trusting relationship with the world, the walls soften invariably.

Another thing I constantly encounter is the fear of hurting the other person. I’m very sensitive to the feelings of others and sometimes it feels more painful for someone else to experience rejection than myself, so out of habit I’ll put myself in the position of sacrificing something, or giving something up. This happened very unconsciously, and it’s something I notice that a lot of empaths do. We don’t want other people to be in pain. But in the end, we end up being the ones in pain. With regard to this one, it’s good to consciously notice when and where you do this, and recognize that in sparing someone else rejection, you’re projecting on them your own fear/pain of rejection. It’s good to get clear on this and work on this in yourself, and once you work through this, you’ll see it shifting from your relationship with other people. Meaning, when you’re okay with rejection and no longer take it personally, you won’t assume that other people take it personally. Also remember that you have the right to take care of yourself! You’re responsible for you, meaning, when you need to say no, SAY NO!

At present, I’m noticing that I still have a slight issue when it comes to certain types of people who ask me invasive questions. I for some reason feel the need to answer even if it’s rude, inappropriate, or questionable. I do notice that I feel uncomfortable, but the discomfort is less than when I think about how uncomfortable it might be to say, “I don’t want to answer that question,”- but, as with any portion of learning boundaries, it’s important to 1. recognize where you’re giving your power away, 2. take a moment when you feel that discomfort 3. realize you do have the right to assert your needs.

Hope this helps <3

Coronavirus

People keep asking how I feel about COVID- and the truth is, initially I wasn’t afraid from the immunity POV- but as the reality set in when I saw how much it affected my life and my friend’s lives, I became very stressed. But that is what makes us susceptible. That is what compromises our immune system.

From a 3D perspective, I was devastated. My life for the next few weeks were solid as I had planned them to be- lots to be excited about and things were falling into place. Then everything came to a halt

As the emails started piling in about shut downs every 10 minutes and work was cancelled, as the news got worse and worse, I knew that I needed to shift my mental, emotional, energetic state- and I did that by implementing intensive self care. What does my self care look like?

• Face masks! I just love these!

• Qi Gong

• Meditation

• Yoga

• Jacuzzi time!

• Epsom salt bath/using it on your chakras in the shower

• Learning (reading/podcasts)

• EFT

• JOURNALING EXTENSIVELY

• Ginger tea!

And then, after 4 hours, I reached a state of peace. Oddly, what I noticed is I had no interest in reaching out to anyone (which arguably, we’re doing a lot of right now, seeking comfort, sharing woes, getting our social needs met) because I felt so content and well- and again, that’s our choice isn’t it. We can’t control our external circumstances, but we can choose how we feel about it and what we do.

Admittedly there was a sense of guilt that was plaguing me. How dare I feel well when everyone else feels awful about this, and how can I feel well in light of all of this? Well, that’s the best thing we can do, because negativity spreads faster. We want to be the beacons of light that show and grant other people the permission to feel just as empowered right now, despite what we might be facing.

Today, I spent the day sorting through what viruses live within- metaphorically speaking, and not. External circumstances can lead to heavy re-evaluation of the internal, at least I choose to see them this way- and I saw lingering belief patterns that don’t serve me, as well as people that are in my life that have toxic traits. As I got further into this today, I suddenly had a vision of a child, who was clearly below poverty lines, crying, so scared. That affected me profoundly.

I started to realize how self-absorbed the people who exhibit toxic traits are, and that I’d still permitted in my life were, and how that was taking away valuable bandwidth from my life and energy that I could be using to help people who were truly in need. Not to mention, I started to see that I was self absorbed by thinking so much of them, when I could have been using the time and energy I invested in them, or struggled with them, for the higher good. All of those people who are stuck in victim mentality have homes, food, employment, and more. A lot more than they need, yet it’s not enough to them- and here I was feeling helpless in the world because I felt I didn’t have enough to help on the level I wanted- but I realized that couldn’t stop me from contributing what I have right now and bypassing my fears about my future. Because it’s possible those are unfounded, and as quickly as things went downhill, they could go uphill again- we just never know.

Someone asked me today what my takeaway from all of this is, and that answer was:

1. I see people clearer now- people show their true natures in times of crisis

2. that I have unwavering faith in the universe and in spirit.

Sometimes point 2 is all we need to be reminded of.

When it got really bad, on Thursday, I sensed so much-

For those of you not into esoteric concepts, this is a good place to stop! For those of you tuned into higher dimensions, here you go:

I’ve felt so much energy- positive, protective energy around me. I’ve seen many many benevolent guides around me, and they seem to be reminding me and supporting me through this. I know that if I’m experiencing this, I’m not the only one.

This reminds me of two times I had an ego death- I had just as many benevolent spirits popping in to say hello- and I was reminded that fear is of the ego, and control is of the ego, and that if we surrender, we’re in good hands.

I know that there are horrible times and I’m not at all belittling the negative impact of this- but I do also know that when there’s something like this, there are good things that come of it too- and I feel hope, because I truly truly feel it.

And in the mean time I’ll do my part and contribute what I can, including researching ways I can volunteer. Because the gift from all of this is free time. But the choice is up to us what we do with it. It’s also our choice what vibration we want to be in.