Karma

How do we know when something is happening FOR us and not TO us?

In understanding how karma works, you have to understand its main purpose: balance. Even if you don’t believe there’s such thing as karma, you must know that there are physics that are involved like the 3rd law of motion: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

So if we just analyze what’s happening in this life presently and not past lives- it works like this: for every thing we do, we are either exerting positive energy/intentions, or exerting negative energy/intentions. Neutral ones don’t apply because there isn’t necessarily a charge, and we can also assume that in a neutral reaction there’s good and bad so the equality is already taken care of within the action itself and does not engender a reaction. Karma isn’t a tit for tat because the energy is affected by its accumulation of force as well as the energy it’s pushing against- will break this down later.

Say a person does something harmful to someone else. It could go either of two ways: maybe they didn’t mean to cause as much damage as they do upon the other person, but they already knew that they were doing something bad. This would release a karmic effect but what we don’t know is when the ricochet effect will take place. Sometimes it’s instant, sometimes it takes decades or even lifetimes. Say this person does something bad and knows, and even intends, to cause harm to another person. Then the amount of intention/energy that’s exerted is far more than the first case and so the ricochet effect will be more intense. However, it can sometimes get carried into the next life, or other ones, in case there’s a karmic contract involved between these two parties which will carry over as karmic debt (and in some cases, this action might even be the cause of the contract to start). Or, sometimes the perpetrator is working on a spiritual lesson in this life that necessitates the karma be returned in this life, then the timeline does matter. When spiritual people tell you there’s no such thing as linear time in the spiritual world, that concept is true in part, but there are specific axis of linear time that is dealt with even in the spiritual sense.

What also impacts this is if someone knows better. For example, if a little kid did harm, it might be innocent because they don’t yet have the awareness to know its cause and effect. That tones down the intention portion of the equation so the negative energy they’re exerting isn’t as strong, therefore their rebound effect also isn’t as strong. Sometimes people who don’t know any better, especially children, will get a “pass” that they’ll never have to “pay” for karmically. But, say you’re very well aware- the level of awareness you have will also strengthen the intention, which strengthens the rebound effect.

Additionally, the charge of the energy that the original action is pushing against will either decelerate or accelerate the rebound effect.

An example: someone does something harmful to a being who has a lot of light in their field- their light acts as a refraction and not only reflects the karma back more intensely, but also can accelerate the karmic rebound. Think about the effect of shining a light directly at a prism- the light is reflected back in different wavelengths, and often times can be even more blinding than the light itself. Basically you’re forced to see the elements of this light broken down—- i.e. you’re forced to experience the rebounded action frame by frame. The light in their field may also push against the negative intention because by nature a person who’s anchored in light already radiates positive intentions, so there’s a energetic reaction taking place much like chemistry- two polarities come together to create a karmic reaction.

There’s also the possibility that someone does something harmful to someone who has harmed a lot of people- i.e. a bounty hunter kills someone who’s done terrible things to people and plans on continuing. In this case, although the murder itself is naturally charged with destructive intentions, there is a positive effect to this as it’s stopping a worse perpetrator and that will neutralize some of the negative karmic effect of the action. Not to mention, there isn’t light in the energy field that pushes back if we assume that this person is very dark triad.

So that brings me to the question of- sometimes when something “bad” happens to someone, is that their karma returning? Or is that simply a challenge they signed up for in this life time?

When there’s negative karma returning, there’s no “lesson”. Instead, it feels like something must be paid, acknowledged or seen. If you tune in to the energy only, it feels dark, cloudy.

When it’s an event that seems negative but isn’t karma, but is karmic in the sense that you’re meant to experience this to grow, you, if you’re tuned into things beyond the veil will sense there’s a lot of guidance around you and the energy feels light. You’ll get a sense that this is positive and spiritual in origin and it’s rife with lessons, and more importantly, there is a way out.

For example, clients will sometimes have me read a loved one who is ill. Although the disease expresses the same, the energy around it is either light and infused with spirituality or it’s dark and very low vibrational.

If it’s a karmic debt, you’ll find that the attachment to a particular person or situation feels unresolved, or to me, “sticky”. But once you resolve the situation by “paying” the debt in whatever form, all of a sudden that attachment is no longer and you feel that the person and situation is no longer tied. You may never revisit the situation again, or never hear from or see the other person ever again.

This is a topic that wouldn’t be able to be fully covered in several books, but here’s a intermediate primer for now.

Reiki Testimonial

My client C. C. wrote me the day after his first remote reiki session:

Your reiki healing is serious business. I feel profound shifts taking place—old energy still clearing out and am looking forward how energy settles in next few days—things feel brighter and clearer already. I did not know what to expect but the after was so intense in the best way possible, almost like a trip. Definitely will be back for a tune up when it is time

Most people report vivid dreams, elation, relaxation and immediately noticeable benefits right after, but the full shifts (and anchored in intentions if you chose to program those in) usually take a few days.

As you continue to do these sessions, you will usually become more sensitized to the energy of the session before, during and after. As more of your density gets cleared away, you will become more attuned to energy shifts and more open to receive healing. It will also become much easier to program in intentions and see those changes happening in your life right away.

With reiki, we can adjust the subtlest to the most pronounced things. You can choose to program in new beliefs, even rewire the mind. If you think about it- everything, I mean EVERYTHING in your body runs on electric impulses. It’s all energy- synapses, neural networks, nerve impulses etc... so the primary form of change that your body understands is ENERGETIC. With reiki and my particular skill set, we target the most subatomic energies in your body for drastic shifts by influencing them to be how you want them to be.

Primarily, we are ENERGY. At the most basic level, even our cells communicate via energy. We consume calories, which become energy in the body. I think when people who don’t understand this think about the body, they think in terms of matter- i.e. bones, skin, etc.. But… what is holding this matter together? What is holding these atoms together? How do they communicate?

Right.

That’s why these sessions are effective.

Super Session

On my booking page under packages, you’ll find a new offering: Super Session

Essentially this is 3 hours of work in one day- first we’ll start with a Clairvoyant session, then move on to an Integrative and finish with a Reiki session. We can change up the order depending on what’s right for you.

This would be the package to choose for those of you who want to heal as much as possible in the shortest amount of time instead of opting to gradually shift over a longer span of time.

If you want to up level, this is the fastest way to do it.

It is recommended for those of you choosing this format to block out the whole day, as you’ll need recovery time after we finish the session. Your energy field will also be sensitive so it is recommended to minimize disruption. This is undergoing energetic surgery so you’ll want to have the space for a deep recovery before and after.

10-Series Testimonial

Working with Gigi and to watch her bloom into her next phase in life, a phase of life marked by independence and spiritual sovereignty is so wonderful. Our “meeting” was marked by tons of synchronicity and resonant symbols. It’s very common for the highly gifted- spiritually speaking, to be born into systems that don’t support us, and part of our spiritual journey comes from liberating ourselves from the past so we can move forward in all ways as a pure being, unrestrained by the energy and the conditioning of our systems past.

Sometimes we are told certain things about ourselves and we learn to believe them to play our “part” in the dysfunction of those around us. It can impinge on our own belief about ourselves and our capabilities, when in reality it is not true- it is just a learned behavior to stay “in-group”. Of course these parts are not always easiest to recognize, nor are they to heal and release. That’s where I come in.

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“It feels like an impossible task to even begin to put into words the kind of experience or impact this 10 series had on me/my life...so impossible it's funny.

I have been in and out of therapy for a decade, I've read almost every lauded self-help and spirituality book that exists, but it wasn't until the sessions Maria helped facilitate did I start to feel like I could actually see myself for the first time....ever! in my whole life.

i feel changed. i feel like a me that finally is on her way to a life i knew i always felt could be mine but i felt soooo far away from. and didn't understand why. and didn't know how to get closer. maria helps you bridge those gaps.

there was and continues to be SO MUCH about myself i didn't know. it isn't a cure all, this work is continuous and life long. but i feel like the forest has cleared a bit and i can see a path AND i'm excited to walk it and even tho i am alone, i feel for the first time, capable, unafraid, and excited.

i don't know. if you're feeling called to this work and you're looking for assurance that this will mean something or make an impact...i don't know if i or anyone can really give you that but it meant a lot to me. it made a huge impact on me. i feel closest to myself than i have ever been and this work + therapy has been doing wonders for my ability to show up for myself and create a life i love and don't want to escape from,”

Emergence

Sometimes I channel certain things in sessions that are new to my present consciousness, but yet some part, the deepest part, I’ve known forever. It’s very interesting, this being human, how we have our “firsts” when really they’re not firsts after all, just the first time in this life.

This happened in a remote reiki session 2 days ago. The first word I heard, as if yelled at me, was “emergence”

I’ve never technically heard this word used in relationship to any spiritual concepts, for instance like a word such as karma, or awakening is so tied to spirituality that it holds a certain anchored meaning. I know the word remembrance, I started to remember what that meant in concrete spiritual terms. For those who don’t, it’s the process by which we awaken to our divinity, to the remembering of the vastness of our soul. For me, when I awakened, I had visceral emotional reactions when I saw ancient tapestries and I recognized them. I had nostalgia, a deep, guttural flutter that told me it was not my first time witnessing them. I was there at their time of creation.

It dawned on me to look up this word in terms of spirituality and this is what I found. So yes, it does have meaning, and it blew me away. They indicate that this process should have proper support— it’s interesting to gain context and descriptions for the work that I do without prior knowledge that this is what I was doing— I’ve helped clients integrate, understand, parse out and heal throughout this convoluted, complicated process of spiritual emergence. It is a beautiful, beautiful, challenging and rewarding process. I hope that this post opens doors as opposed to giving any answers, as a new possibility unfolds in my consciousness after understanding what this means in concrete 3D language.

In my understanding and experience, the spiritual awakening is the first step to a spiritual life- it’s when the kundalini energy connects root to crown for the first time and divinity enters. This is the first stage of remembrance, but remembrance is a continual process that spans a lifetime. The deeper you go with your soul, the more you remember of yourself and the world. You remember past lives, then the lives between lives, and you see glimpses of the future lives too.

There is only one major, cataclysmic spiritual awakening, yet it can feel like in the process of emergence that there are multiple small tremors of awakenings. These are usually accompanied by ego deaths in which parts of your ego go into full resistance and have to die In order to allow more of the soul self to emerge. These can feel brutal, but they happen once in a while as new parts are sloughed off and they often come with full surrender into a fearful state, and then a sudden surrender into connectedness and release.

A dark night of the soul happens during the spiritual awakening, in fact it’s a necessary stage. It’s a cumulative process of sometimes years, in which the soul/human journey through extreme darkness until one day a MAJOR part of you “dies” in order to allow the awakening. I do feel that ego deaths are more minor, they happen in conjunction with the dark night of the soul but as “they” are telling me now, the dark night of the soul is a rite of passage. Most of us only have 1, and some of us have 2 at a much later stage of spiritual progress.

Emergence is by far the most difficult thing because unlike the others which have a drastic turnover, emergence is a continual process with no definitive beginning or end. I thought that it did, but “they” are correcting me as I channel them now. We are in a continual stage of emergence.

Perfectionism

I myself am guilty of perfectionism. There is always an unrealistic standard that I’ve set for myself that I somehow fail to meet. In my mind, it’s realistic because I’ve been exposed to this standard before, it’s not born of nowhere.

I won’t go into the mechanics of how perfectionism is created through upbringing, since many of you already know what goes into this and how it’s modeled.

What this creates in someone who lives with this is a deep fear of “not good enough” and secondly, a developing well of self directed frustration as well as feelings of failure that are semi-repressed. It’s semi-repressed as long as there’s some metric of success that you must score high on. Perfectionism is fear based, and for those of us who’ve lived with it, we’ve turned that fear (and anxiety) into something that motivates.

It was always very conscious for me as a teen and young adult that if I let go of this, and just suddenly realized I was “good enough” that I’d stop trying. I felt that the alternative was apathy, which I have experienced before. I didn’t know what to substitute the fear motivation for, or that there was another form of motivation.

As I’ve grown, I’ve come to face that fragile ego that’s underneath all of this. The one that took in the programming of deep unworthiness. I remember being very young and in situations where I felt failure, how much I couldn’t handle it because it brought out deep shame. In classes that I wasn’t the best, the stakes felt so high and so intolerable. I somehow couldn’t take it in stride like all the other people who were not the best, who were not good. People who could fail at something or not be good at something and not have it affect their sense of self seemed to have a healthy self-esteem that made them know that just because they weren’t good at this thing, they could keep trying and get better. They also knew that just because they weren’t good at this one thing, it didn’t mean that they were flawed as a person. These were thought processes that I didn’t have even if I identified them consciously.

As I’ve gotten older and done a lot of healing and integration, I’ve specifically challenged myself to do all the things that I’m not particularly gifted at. Sure, other people might argue that I’m not that bad, in fact, that maybe I am better than I think (because in my mind I think I am just awful which is a particular trait associated with perfectionism as well- that my assessment of myself always tends to be worse than what’s “real”). What this challenge does is it forces me to grow- it forces me to confront those shadow elements and fear. It shows me that there’s nothing to fear, and to be more lighthearted in my approach- that just because I can’t do a particular jump or my brain isn’t as quick with a quippy response in improv doesn’t mean that the world is ending, which it often felt like it was when there is a perfectionism that is expected of you, and performance is everything. Most importantly, it shows me to have fun which is something I had long been lacking in childhood.

I remember when the darkness of perfectionism hit me the worst, it wasn’t that long ago. My ego was still in control then and it needed above all else to bolster itself from its feelings of inferiority and frailty. So, I chose to only do things that I was the shining star in. And then my world became so limited, my ego was satisfied but my soul wanted more.

Overall, we’re here for the experience. That means, the totality of life that we get to experience in this human form, with this human intelligence. It’s not about good or bad, it’s about how we meet those experiences and what we take away from them. In the end, I’m. not going to care that I was the best in this one class or one thing, because I care more about growth and process, truly. Success of course is important, and I plan to succeed at the things that I’ve chosen, but I’m also learning to re-assess the bar that I set for myself. I want to do my best, not be the best.

Outgrowing

When we’re on the path of growth, ascension, healing, whatever you choose to call it, you invariably start adopting your own pace that’s a reflection of your vibration. It’s really difficult for two people to travel vibrationally at the same rate because we’re all unique.

Something I’m learning through my own path is that there will be times that are very uncomfortable as we shift into new ways of being. The matches externally die out as we shed new skin, and we can no longer match certain people in our lives that we, at lower frequencies thought we’d know for a lot longer. It can come very suddenly and can often times be very jarring. Why does it feel like I can no longer talk to this person? Why am I suddenly dreading responding to them, like my energy doesn’t want to go near them? These are some of the thoughts that pop up when I reach this stage. It’s not avoidance, because nothing changed in the relationship— but, I changed.

Sometime we outgrow our teachers. I’ve had teachers and healers, and sometimes both are the same, meet me when they were of a much higher vibration. But, somewhere along the way I rose in frequency above them and their words, teachings, healings, no longer carry any resonance for me. Their truth is not my truth, even if I once saw it as the truth. I’ve come to find that in these cases, either they will shift out something just won’t work— like you can’t seem to coordinate a time to meet, or what once felt really easy to align won’t anymore. Sometimes it’s not just a scheduling mishap- it’s literally something in the connection that’s out of alignment. When you match with someone, things feel more effortless. When things start to tip out of balance, you’ll know too.

The most important thing here is respecting your own vibration. I feel that human beings often confuse things and think we’re all the same, or there’s one path. But people come into this world with different levels of skillsets and some move faster and some move slower. Everyone has their natural cadence, strengths and weaknesses and they can’t be assessed based on one set of criteria. People will also hold you to their own limits, whether they’re conscious or unconscious. So if you allow them to determine where you can go and where you are, you’re agreeing to their limits which may hold you back. Limits may feel safe to begin with because they establish a certain code of conduct, or way of understanding/relating, as you’re adjusting to a new framework. But, if you stay true to you, you’ll know when it’s time to move and stretch your container. You also know when someone is growing continuously and not imposing limits on you.

For me, it’s become more and more important to find people who do not have limits. These are people who’ve made the impossible possible, because these are people who do not think about the world in limits and do not look at me that way either. They often tend to attract a higher caliber (and I mean this as vibration and consciousness) of people who also exceed imposed limits that are decided based on limited consciousness and a consensus, an average.

Jamie Sam’s book Dancing the Dream talks about various paths that we walk. Sometimes, people skip certain paths and come back later to review, some people get stuck on one path, some people move through all swiftly. Our teachers also need to be a few paths farther than us so they can show us the way. In those uncomfortable moments when we’re shifting out of paths and everyone else is still where we left them, it’s important to just breathe and know that just because there’s an empty space now doesn’t mean that new people won’t come in, or the universe won’t guide you towards another teacher. In fact, it’s the empty space that is the very thing that will attract those people to you faster. This is the important moment of self-mastery where we do need to be conscious of what comes up- fear, loneliness, grief etc.. we need to feel them, honor them, but we don’t need to let them overtake us and sacrifice our own vibration to scratch an itch.

It’s very human to want to run back to what we know, but the spiritual path requires us to have integrity with regards to our own journey and our own reason for being here. Some mindset coaches will tell you to transcend the emotion. I’m not, I’m saying that it’s important to feel them through, but that we don’t always have to act on them. We most certainly don’t want to suppress them, or bypass them, or “transcend” them. We need to be honest with ourselves, use our tools to process, but ultimately make informed decisions based on prioritizing our greatest good.

Regardless, the main takeaway in all of this is, sometimes someone’s truth can be your truth for a while, but there is never an absolute truth and in finding our own truth and sovereignty we need to remember that we have the power to decide what is true for us, even if it’s true for someone else.

Dynamics

In recent years I did a family constellation and we left at a very confusing point. My practitioner asked me if I was “the big one or the small one” in relationship to my mom, and my unconscious had a really hard time answering that. I said, “I’m the big one” my mother felt so small to me in that moment.

But there was clearly some confusion and my practitioner said it was time for us to stop, but that it was worthwhile to investigate this. I put it away for a few years because I always felt in some ways older than my own mom, but it made no sense to me consciously.

It clicked today that a crucial element of our dynamic when I left home to go to college was my mom constantly texting me to ask me advice on how to parent my younger siblings. And of course I would always give it to her because in some senses, I recognized that I knew better and she did too. That was normal to me, I never realized how strange it was until just now as I’m healing through deeper layers of my family dynamics.

The thought, my parent asked me for advice on how to parent. That sits awkwardly. How could a parent ask their child how to parent after having been their parent? Isn’t this hard evidence for the fact that she didn’t know how, didn’t learn from parenting me, and was never willing to learn? Isn’t this evidence for the fact that she didn’t parent me? These realizations cut through me in such painful ways because I was gaslit all my life to believe that I was wrong, that they knew better, that every time I called them out on how they were abusing me that it wasn’t actually happening and I was just oversensitive and crazy and that it was all my problem.

It makes me see that I was always supposed to be the little one, and it wasn’t a failure on my part that that dynamic between a child and her mother was never developed for me. When I try to readjust my size, visually, I feel like I don’t trust her. I don’t feel safe as her child. I’d rather be the big one- my parents’ parent.

I think it can be such a strange wakeup call for those of us who were put in the position of caring for the people who were supposed to care for us because it shifts our relationship to the world. I remember that for the longest time I always attracted these people who were supposed to care for me- whether they were mentors, teachers, or therapists or the like, who actually ended up needing my care. I didn’t understand why I was caring for people I was paying to help me, how come no one would help me? These imbalanced and strange relationships made me cringe, yet they were so much of my reality that for a period of years I realized I was better alone and not seeking help. Help came with too many strings and too much of an outpour from me.

It wasn’t until a point in my life when it started to clear, and I found myself seeking help from people who could actually help me and didn’t break boundaries or didn’t insert themselves into my healing. I found that I experienced a lot of distrust because of past experiences, and operated from a place of defense which gradually dropped over a long period of time. There was usually a phase of resistance at the beginning when in my mind I tried to convince myself they couldn’t help me, but I usually stuck through it and gave them more chances. This to me was fear, because they were unfamiliar to me (and for those like me, unfamiliar is usually the safer option) and not intuition. This was another moment in which I needed to learn to distill the two, because there is sometimes intuition in fear too. I notice that pure fear comes from my mind, where as instinctual fear comes from my gut.

These people were safe because they didn’t tell me how to be, didn’t tell me what to do, and didn’t get caught in self indulgent and self absorbed emotional dumps that had nothing to do with me. They actually listened to me and wanted to know what was going on, and paid attention, they responded. This at the outset felt so scary to me because I’d never experienced it before. In these experiences no one is the big one and no one is the small one, they’re meeting me on equal footing and they’re here to guide and support, not be my authority.

That of course shaped a lot of the way that I practice too in my integrative sessions. There’s an interesting dynamic that forms that’s so particular, because I can sense when the inner child needs a gentle authority and is at the forefront of the healing. Sometimes the child needs to be seen, heard, and encouraged, sometimes they need to be attuned to in ways that were needed but never given. This is often before the adult and the child have established a healthy connection. Then at other points in time, I’m relating to the adult, and the adult can then liaise with their own inner child. Some clients need a parental energy at the start, and some others need a fierce advocate where they’ve never had one before to initiate and reinforce their developing security.

For those of you who are unaware, I studied power and gender dynamics extensively for many many years. What’s most interesting is in our imbalanced society we think that power is something that is taken, because so many of us actually feel powerless internally as the world is ruled by narcissists and sociopaths. If someone had an internal sense of power, they’d realize they didn’t need to take it from a source outside of themselves, but that’s just the codependent framework of the world at large. Oppression, suppression, taking.

What I came to realize was that power is something that’s received, if it’s given. Everyone has their own sense of power, and if they surrender it freely then that’s when it can be received. I notice these points when people try to do it in my healing practice, and I gently say no. I remind them of what they’re doing and that they have power, and I ask them to take it back.

I think that practitioners are in positions that can be very influential. That’s why I’m so careful about who I work with, especially energetically. Even if I’m not declaring my power, it’s a soft power. That’s what hypnosis and all of these modalities are- they’re exerting influence for change. No one ever saw a healer because they wanted to stay the same. I think it can be dangerous when someone’s ego gets involved or they’re not sensitive enough to the power dynamics at play because they can convince you to do things for self-serving reasons and not reasons for your, or for the, highest good. It’s something that’s always in the back of my mind for me, and for people that I personally hire.

In relating to myself, I’m the big one and the small one simultaneously. As I grow, I learn more about how to parent, and thus parent myself. There are some tangible things that can’t be changed, like how I grew up, but there are elements that can be healed continuously and presently. The dynamic between ourselves is always changing and always has room to grow. That’s where I’m coming to in recent times, is that my relationship to me is the most important relationship I’ll ever have. I may not be able to change what was the dynamic between my mom and me, but my relationship to me is in my full control and I can be hyper aware of the dynamics that I co-create, now.

Betrayal

The thing that hurts the most isn’t even the betrayal itself, it’s the aftermath.

It’s in how we then start to trust the fear and go looking for evidence. And when looking for evidence, the confirmation bias applies- we will always find what we are “seeking” because our minds will fill in the blanks based on our past experiences.

I remember the times when I was betrayed, I learned to tune out what I thought was fear. I interpreted the caution as overreactions, the hyper vigilance as irrationality and the small alarm bells as nitpicking. It’s an interesting thing how fear and intuition sometimes blend together in personal situations, so much that it blinds you from seeing where the delineation is. I thought I was getting better at sorting, or at least tuning out the fear, until you find out the truth of the betrayal and learn to trust the fear instead of intuition.

Those small lies did add up to something, even if you convinced yourself they were each isolated incidents and not such a big deal.

I believe that we then try to control outcomes by relying on the fear as a preventative. Although I can detach and observe my own mind, I still see that I’d rather be fearful sometimes in situations that can trigger the same feelings from a past betrayal because when we act out of fear we are often times trying to control an outcome.

I see this playing out mostly in romantic situations for myself, because romantic situations trigger a certain insecurity in me. It also tugs at self worth, not enough ness, and all of the shades of self concept that were or were not well formed growing up. It’s been shown to me over and over in several healings recently how there is a formula. In childhoods that were chaotic, or that had abusive dynamics, the child isn’t given the proper care, nurturance, attunement for him/her/them to feel a grounded, secure sense of self. This creates a fragile foundation that then later becomes highlighted as insecurities in places where we think we have more control, where society holds value and this is gendered. For instance, for women it tends to be insecurity displaced onto physicality and for men, on wealth and status. And of course more than anything these areas are both highlighted in romantic situations regardless of whether our partners actually care any of those things, but those of us who have these insecurities do and project that onto others. And/or we match with people who do care about those things and scrutinize us the same way.

There was one karmic situation that I had end of last year, and it was something that triggered such a huge amount of expansion in me, but it was beyond painful. I knew that he projected his fear onto me, his betrayals, and thought that I would hurt him because he felt vulnerable around me. He did say that to me, but he didn’t tell me why he felt vulnerable, but it’s easy to fill in the blanks. I was receiving certain intuitive messages/images related to how he really felt for me even if he acted distant and disinterested. Literally continual images of him wanting kids and marriage with me. I had multiple healers look at the cording between us because it was extreme. And they all said, “whoa, his energy is around you all the time. And this cord comes in with ‘you’re the one’ energy,” At this age it’s kind of obvious when someone’s playing it cool and the level of “detachment” is correlated to how interested they actually are, but when I’m triggered, I’d rather take things at face value, well because, fear. I’m also likely to doubt the intuitive messages and the images even if I am very secure in my intuition otherwise.

I feel that he really saw something with me and we had an unusually strong connection recognized by both sides. I remember one of the first times we spent time together, it feeling so important to tell him out of nowhere, “I won’t hurt you” with the purest, cleanest energy possible. I was surprised that these words came out of my mouth but they were guided. When I don’t have as much emotional attachment, it’s easy for me to see. But when I get emotionally involved, subjectivity takes over and with that is the lens that I’d long forgotten in childhood. My own fears started to take over and I projected onto him. I think that especially in cases when people are perceived a certain way, it can cloud how they are inside. He was, in my mind, gorgeous. I mean, he was a model, so yes, but I started projecting onto him that he was a player and wouldn't choose me. I was also going off his mask because that was easy. These of course stemmed not just from my own fears, but from truths of betrayal. I then started acting out of that fear, and he started acting out of his own that I would hurt him because I didn’t realize at the time, he had me on a pedestal and most certainly had a match to me- he thought I wouldn’t choose him even though I would have. In fact, what I didn’t tell him was my dream about him early on, or what I felt was singular. I’d never in my life felt the way I felt/feel about him- I felt like my heart welled up with so much love that I wanted to give to him that felt so mismatched based on how well we’d actually known each other. I’d been in serious relationships where I didn’t feel close to that. I knew that we were together in a past life, and that overwhelm of “oh no this is completely irrational, where are all of these feelings coming from?” was shared. When I’m very triggered in romantic situations, it’s like everything about me that I’ve worked towards disintegrates. I feel like a small fragile child with no “right” in the world— I forget about what I may seem like to others, what I have done and what I have become, and all the foundational pieces I’d built for myself in lieu of the one that wasn’t built for me.

I have a belief that the men I’m seeing are sleeping around. I mean, it’s kind of culturally suggested that men behave that way, but I do feel that it became a real fear of mine after one relationship. But in subsequent casual relationships, when we did have an open discussion far into the relationship, most times they weren’t seeing anyone else except me. It makes me wonder where this fear fantasy comes from and why it feels so real, and maybe it triggers the same fight/flight sensations in me that I grew to know as a child in an unstable home so much that I create it. In the one instance I started to convince myself that it wasn’t real, and looked for tangible evidence that it was false, I was cheated on many times over. So, it feels safer in some ways to believe it now. But the strange thing is, although I never had direct confirmation from him, there were a few intuitive people I really trust who all told me no, he wasn’t, he’s not actually like that, after I’d ended things with him and could start to see clearly again.

This experience triggered something from the deepest, core wounds. I’d never fully looked at them before, the fears of abandonment, betrayal, of literally not existing or having any value, that I would argue all of us have in different ways. I was seeing very clearly, and feeling, all the ways in which I used to give away my power and the treatment I was willing to settle for in a toxic situation. I felt shades of strong anxiety, neediness and desperation that I’d never experienced before because I’d never been in the unfamiliar energy of the chaser. They were parts of me that I never even allowed to exist. It made me see my own avoidance and emotional unavailability to myself. Outwardly I didn’t hit rock bottom, at least no one would’ve thought I did, but internally and spiritually I did. Sometimes the greatest pain is regenerative even if it feels like it’s going to kill you. Because at one point, that feeling of “I’m going to die” was very real if you were abandoned, and I mean these stem from infancy. If we are abandoned we literally die. When presented again as a healing, which mine was, it gives you a chance to update your nervous system to one that recognizes no, you won’t die. In fact, you’re the one who walks away so you can live.

No one else had gotten that deep in my psyche before, and he didn’t intend to. I doubt that he even knows what his effect, or at least, his reflection, did to me. I can only imagine what my reflection did to him as comparatively I have a lot more light in my field than he does. I recognize that it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and what I saw in him, what he represented to me. I don’t think I even knew him, but I got acquainted with my own fears and my own shadow aspects that I’d ignored until then. That experience broke me open so that more light could come in because it forced so much healing and integration, and it made me choose me. It made me refocus, recenter, and work on where those weak spots in my self worth still were, that I was distracting myself from through validation I was receiving.

So, my lessons with betrayal have taught me, you don’t always know. There are signs and sometimes they are innocuous- yes, I’ve walked away from situations in which there was no actual harm. And, the opposite is true too. Some people are amazing at hiding and get off on it, and you may find that the dismissals were mistaking oversensitivity for evidence. There are psychological reasons we stay in situations even if we’re being betrayed and our unconscious knows it because it’s self protection. Not just emotionally, but it also protects our investments of energy and time if we’ve invested so much thus far. But one thing is true, that no matter what you go looking for, you’ll find evidence for, so if you go looking for betrayal, you’ll find it.

I don’t believe it’s possible to act from a trusting place all the time especially if you’ve had experiences that betrayed your trust, but I think it’s reasonable to protect yourself and recenter during triggering situations and take some space for yourself. I think it’s important to then clearly distinguish what is your fear and what is your intuition, and sometimes that takes time to distill. I think it’s okay to give someone the benefit of the doubt, open your heart but with eyes wide open.

Meleah's Testimonial

This is Meleah, one of my wonderful clients I’ve had the privilege of working with this past year.

It’s been truly an honor to work with her, and to be able to bear witness to her transformation. I can’t fully express it in words, but I’ll let the vibration come through this writing.

I am so grateful for all of you who take a chance even if it doesn’t feel familiar right away, as the ego struggles against the enormity of the soul’s intelligence.

In all honesty, even if this wasn’t my chosen career I would still be doing this (and have, for all of my life!). It feels so innate to my expression as a human being and soul. To be able to work with someone like Meleah makes it so worthwhile. This is a contract between souls, after all. And you know who can help you and when is the right time, if you pay attention.