The Gifts of Trauma

I don’t feel that trauma can be justified- I just want to make that clear- over intellectualizing or finding “reasons” for trauma to have existed in our lives, I find, is self-defeating. At worst, it can force us into a space of passive acceptance in a way that can minimize our healing around it. The pathway to healing the trauma is first, accepting and processing the anger around it. We have to feel into the INJUSTICE to move the energies trapped, move through the grief and anxiety, and then move up the ladder to finding the gifts within. If we bypass this stage then we get tuck in a bypass, in an over-justification that can look like acceptance from the outside, but one in which we haven’t actually healed. It’s like forgiveness in a way- it’s harder than we think it is because it’s not just accepting an apology or saying I forgive you, it’s actually moving through all of which is underneath that- the feeling of betrayal, the hurt, the anger, the hatred, perhaps, the resentment AND THEN reaching a point of resolution: forgiveness, acceptance, letting go.

I just started working with a healer who told me that in her experience, all of her clients who have had traumatic upbringings are highly intuitive. That it was, in her words, “the gift of trauma”. What she said was that because those of us who had traumatic upbringings learned to brace our bodies and go out of it, we learned how to be in the etheric space. I found that really beautiful, as it is a piece that clicked for me this far into my own healing process. Like, oh, it created something that I can live with, that defines me in a unique way, that now I can make a difference with. It was liberating.

The hard work for me during the earlier parts of my process was learning that power is in the body and to integrate and open up my body and make it a safe place from where I can use all these intuitive tools. When we do that, we need to be prepared that it can be very trying. It can feel very unsafe because our bodies developed the way they did to protect us in childhood. I believe the path to healing requires great discernment- when do these defense mechanisms need to shift and be healed, and when are they okay to stay, because they’ve developed from wisdom and experience?

I will admit that there are so many moments in my life where I’m fed up. When does it stop? Why did all of that happen to me? Why do I now have to live with this? Why do I have to suffer the consequences of other people’s bad behavior? Why do I have to be stuck in cycles of trauma? There are times I feel so lonely and so defeated from this terribly painstaking process. But we can’t run from trauma, it either catches up to you, or you learn how to integrate it, process it, learn from it, and find the gifts within because there are many.

All of the most gifted healers and therapists I’ve ever worked with had their own hardships. It is a rough training ground, but one that prepares you in a way that nothing else can. I can say assuredly I’m starting to see how much my background supports me today, even if I had no support during the time I went through it. In my acting, it gives a true, lived experience, it gives me a wider emotional bandwidth when I’ve been to some dark places, it gives me a fearlessness to delve into all of that, because I’ve already been there. More than anything, it’s given me more compassion and humanity.

What they did was not okay, it never was okay, and today, because of all the work I’ve done around it, I’m better for it. I’m okay.

Shifting our Attraction Point

The universe operates out of neutrality- so it will keep giving you options for you to say yes or no to. The things you say yes to, it will give you more of. The things you say no to will be cleared, if you do so consciously and learn the higher lessons associated- the caveat here is if we do so out of fear and resistance, then what we say no to will stick more because we give them more power, and fear and resistance are sticky energies to begin with.

I know- this can be an esoteric concept for some people. So let me break this down: we are always, I mean always, in direct conversation with the universe. When we shift vibrations, what we’re doing is saying no to an existing vibration, and yes to a new vibrational reality. It’s newtonian- a moving object will stay in motion unless acted on by a force. This is to say, our “NO” will stop the pattern from proliferating, and that is how we shift our attraction point.

For example, if we are acting out of unconscious matches, we may keep attracting the same type of partner over and over. It isn’t until we come to the realization, do our healing work and thereby recognize the unconscious, unhealed piece that wants to make itself known consciously can we move forward and then attract a higher level person. Sometimes, a very strong energy healing has that effect if we are choosing to work on what we want to shift. Sometimes these shifts happen gradually as we make our way up the ladder of spiritual learning, other times they happen all of a sudden and we can jump from vibrational reality A to vibrational reality C.

Although I’m going to use an example of online dating, please note that this is a metaphor applied generally in all areas of our lives: the universe will give you matches and it is up to you to swipe right or left. I believe in free will, and although some matches are more “suggested”, the universe is okay with you deciding it isn’t for you and will continue to deliver more matches based on what you say yes to, and refine its algorithm based on your current taste. When you swipe no, with the refined algorithm it will lessen the frequency of how often it presents similar matches until it disappears for good.

Sometimes a huge life change already has the effect of shifting our attraction point in many areas of our lives- that’s how we make those huge shifts from A to C. Sometimes, we clear it through direct experience (because when we confront the energy directly, we act as the force that acts upon it, changing its direction). You’ll notice sometimes when shifting attraction points, we may get one last clearing. One of my healers call this the “draino person” meaning, we get that one last person who reminds us of an old vibration and the situation with that person might be annoying, but what they’re doing is pulling out all the remnants of this old vibration so it can leave. So, we can welcome that experience because sometimes it takes just that one last experience to say enough is enough, and then that force is strong enough for the attraction point to shift permanently.

Holding Others Accountable

A lot of my life, I was over-functional and over responsible for other people in my life. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what created it, but it 100% has to do with certain pieces in combination: narcissistic abuse, being highly empathic, being raised with codependency. All of these created in me care-taking behaviors, self sacrifice, all of which did not hold other people accountable for their own actions and behaviors.

This piece recently clicked for me and I’ll share with you the process and realizations. Causing other people pain causes me pain, because of my empathy. It is very visceral. Seeing animals or people in pain and suffering causes me very real pain and suffering even when it has nothing to do with me. If I can help ameliorate suffering, sometimes I will go to great lengths, and in the past, even if it caused me damage. I learned at a young age to not speak up around opposing opinions. I learned to be agreeable, accommodating, nice (this programming also has to do with me being a woman)- I learned to spare other people’s embarrassment, any upset and overwhelm. I tucked away my own disagreements, my own anger, my own truth to, at an extreme, coddle other people. In my mind it was well intentioned. I wanted other people to feel good, happy, supported, loved. I still of course do, but my realization takes me a different route to achieve this aim.

I hyper focused on what to do for others and let them do whatever they wanted. Sometimes I couldn’t set boundaries because I know that for some people, boundaries can feel like rejection or could make them angry, upset, sad. It was sad for me to deny anyone something they wanted, especially people I cared about. You can see how this is really a dangerous point of view, but so many of us have this. The stakes are high- I had my life threatened when I set boundaries, and even a slight ripple in my family became a huge, violent outburst from my unstable volatile father. We learned that walking on eggshells and avoiding was normal. I learned that my reality and my needs were unimportant, from my mother. I learned that to avoid being rejected, ridiculed, threatened, and even, kicked out of the house, meant, be agreeable, obedient, accommodating, and at worst- enabling.

I didn’t realize that I was enabling bad behaviors by going along with them, at all. I really just focused on the element of helping someone else avoid pain and conflict. It shook me to my core because it hit so many deep, core wounds and fears for me— the worse our consequences (how much worse can having your life threatened violently be?) the higher the stakes are around something. It was encoded into my nervous system, around fight or flight. Naturally, the defense mechanism grew to protect me- always be agreeable, don’t call people out for their bad behavior. If it gets too bad, disappear quietly, but otherwise just condone it and make people feel there is nothing wrong with them at all costs! Even at your own expense! Because the consequences are a lot worse than that discomfort. Other people’s discomfort is worse than your own discomfort.

Recently, something clicked and a lot of the fear dissipated. I started telling people when behaviors were disrespectful. I started speaking up around my specific needs even if it felt so uncomfortable and would’ve been something in the past that I would’ve swallowed and dealt with. I started to realize that when you do hold other people accountable for their ignorance, their insensitivity, the harm they cause, the disrespect, yeah it can be uncomfortable but you give them something valuable: a chance to grow. That is way more valuable, even if people don’t understand the gift it is, than allowing certain behaviors that don’t work for you (and if it doesn’t work for you, then it’s safe to assume that there are other people in the world this wouldn’t work for). Sometimes I even think, if I’m not the one who says something, someone else will, and it is much better coming from me because I can deliver it probably in a kinder way than other people may.

Growth cannot come without discomfort. Not to mention, in direct dealings, you are not only giving them a chance to grow, but you are also showing them healthy levels of self-worth and boundaries for them to model, if they struggle with this too. A lot of people who can’t take accountability for themselves do struggle with self-worth and lack of boundaries, so if you say no, then it gives them permission to, too. If they can’t accept the gift that it is and take issue with it, that’s not your problem, because that’s exhibiting toxic behaviors that you don’t want in your life anyway.

How to Know You're Undergoing a HUGE Life Shift

1. Things will start falling apart. This is the biggest sign that you’re heading for a huge upgrade in your life, or in different areas in your life.

For example, when I had a huge shift in my love “space”, I went through 3 breakups in a span of a few weeks. It was 3 mini and intense relationships that played out, in order to clear out old energy. Yes it was devastating, yes it was uncomfortable, excruciating even, but I knew that a real relationship was coming. The clearing was freeing me up for something new in my life, clearing old patterns/beliefs/grief/blocks, and sure enough, I ended up in a long term relationship with the next person I dated. When things fall apart, the universe is freeing you up.

2. New people will be magnetized into your life to help you forward

There will be a sudden appearance of new people who want to offer their help in some way. For example, when I committed to my cross country move, random people came into my life to help me in ways with my home, the move, even packing. One person actually gave me a road map for my new career due to several very strange synchronicities.

3. You’ll feel a “push” to grow

For instance, when someone is upleveling in their financial space, they may suddenly get hit with a few challenges in that space. It can feel out of nowhere and hit you in a space that in the past was very peaceful. Sometimes, it’s really just to push you to grow— where would we be without our challenges (which are, in the end, our biggest gifts) after all.

4. Internal “combustion” of sorts— refer to this blog post

5. There will be a mass “clearing” of people, things, in your life. This is to make space for something new.

People just seem to disappear from your life- and you may feel no desire to reach out and they don’t either. This usually applies to a few people because when you shift your vibration or drop your match with them, they shift out. I’ve had this happen with a good friend of mine who is very conscious, so we were able to put it into words- when both of us cleared certain old beliefs, we quite literally could not engage one another- both of us had a feeling that we couldn’t stay in the friendship anymore.

6. You feel your attraction point switch suddenly, and what you now attract, which you attract a lot of initially, feels different than the old.

Suddenly, the new people who come into your life all feel so much “lighter”, or, something just works with them differently than the people you were used to. In love, it could be that you’ve learned all the higher lessons in your relationships that still have trauma-bonds, and then suddenly you are shifted towards attracting people who are your soulmates, or twin flame.

7. There’s a lot of contrast—

This one may be the more esoteric of them all- there’s a really sudden, stark contrast illuminating the darkness and the lightness in your life. For instance, you may have the best possible thing happen to you and you may even be in disbelief at how amazing it is, and then something also seemingly “terrible” (which is an illusion- it may just be a push to grow) happens at the same time. This is not to say that we need to have fear around good things happening, as I’m aware some people have that fear, it’s just to say that something comes to conscious awareness to clear out something dark that’s living in the shadows, so that there can be more light in your life.

All this being said, YOU have to take that first step in order to trigger this shift, for the pieces to come together.

The Role of the Practitioner

I find that the ultimate role of the practitioner is one of invisibility. In the work, we’re present, but the work is not about us at all. Meaning, we need to be air-tight with our “stuff”, there’s no room for it, or ego, in session.

Although this practice is a few years old and a few of these modalities are newer, I’ve been healing professionally for almost a decade now. I’ve found that being an effective healer means that we strike the balance of full focus on the client, their energy, what they’re working on, but still being able to offer personal feedback and experience when it can facilitate even deeper understanding and healing for the client when appropriate. This experience is devoid of emotional content, but it’s offered purely as a gift with the intention of aiding someone further in their learning and letting them know they’re not alone in it.

I’ve noticed that when mentoring others in their healing, at the beginning stages it’s hard to distinguish what’s ego, self doubt, and also, separating your own energetic matches from your client’s. It’s easy to put your energy into your sessions (which has the effect of a lot of drain! And can slow down your client’s healing), or to make it about you unconsciously (i.e. I want my client to heal so that I feel good about my work) or to not know if you’re reading something of your clients or your own. I believe this process of separation and distillation becomes easier as time goes on, but also if you commit to healing and dealing with your own stuff outside of the sessions so that you can become clearer, for your work. It is a precarious spot of being both selfless, and meta-conscious.

In my evolution I’ve noticed that it really does become more natural as time goes on.

I’ve also seen countless different healers in the past and have come to realize a few things on this journey:

  1. when someone makes it all about themselves with overshares in session, RUN

  2. when someone tries to rob you of your autonomy by telling you what you absolutely need to do or makes your choices for you, instead of encouraging you to make your own decisions, (unless you are actually ASKING them to give you a suggestion) RUN

  3. when someone doesn’t listen, RUN

  4. when someone attributes everything to them- that they are the powerful one RUN

  5. when someone spends the majority of the session just being chatty and small talking— waste of time!

  6. when someone clearly isn’t dealing with their own stuff or their intentions don’t feel right (their energy will feel dirty or muddy)— RUN

  7. when someone makes you feel dependent on them instead of offering you tools and insights for you to work on on your own, RUN. I’ve had many people try to do this to me, they insinuate things to make you feel unhappy, sick, off balance, fearful, hopeless. They distort your reality especially when they see that you’ve made progress and may not need to keep seeing them.

  8. when something in your gut tells you this isn’t right, RUN (but distinguish this from resistance- for instance, one of the most powerful first sessions I had, my mind was so in resistance that it was telling me to leave— but similar to how parasites in your gut can trigger your brain to think you need more sugar, sometimes resistance can do the same. Resistance exists because there’s a huge amount of change on the other side- sometimes it’s our own fear, sometimes it’s entities that don’t want us to shift our vibration, sometimes it’s our own minds, our minds love resistance)

  9. if someone is trying to convert you to any sort of faith, religion, cult by insinuating you need salvation or what have you, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE

  10. if your practitioner’s needs supersede your own— OMG NO ex. I had a therapist who used to text me about what she was going through in her personal life. She would spend session time talking about it too because she needed an ear. She would ask me about my advertising methods and how I got clients. Towards the end I didn’t need to see her as often anymore as my schedule got busier and she would tell me no, that there was too much time in between and I needed to see her more… but I had never committed to anything, it wasn’t a package or module, I simply didn’t need more sessions at the frequency SHE needed (and, before I even started seeing her I did mention to her I may need some flexibility here and there because of my schedule/travel). I could tell that for her, it wasn’t about me, it was about money.

  11. when someone is all just love and light and clearly bypassed, or you can tell they’ve never confronted their shadow elements and are therefore in denial or not well integrated, be careful because they will encourage you to do just that too and they can’t see the “shadow” in others, because they’re scared of their own.

  12. When someone isn’t clear in their own truth, if they don’t move you in a way where you know this person is authentic, they can’t see your truth or authenticity either. They can only see you to the extent they can see themselves.

  13. Someone’s lifestyle is important. How they invest in and take care of their energy is important. In such an intimate capacity, their energy will affect you, whether positive or negative. Their health will affect you, especially if they’re physically healing you through touch. You don’t want to be left clearing your own stuff AND their stuff too especially if you’ve paid them.

  14. If your healer is a psychic/energetic vampire, RUN. They have access to your energy and if they take advantage of that it will not be a good thing for you.

  15. Healers are in intimate territories of trust, consent, and influence. Make sure it’s someone you feel safe around and who works in a clean way with all the three above. This means that the person needs to be very high on the light triad.

  16. Rate is not the deciding factor. For most people who think about money in 3D terms, as in, you can’t see the intangible, energetic quality of money and you’re only looking for something affordable or a cheap deal, this is really not the place to do that. Your energy and health are on the line and it’s not a good area to skimp out on (think about it- healers, especially energy healers are addressing illnesses sometimes before they’re formed and expressed, meaning, someone’s cancer could’ve been preventable if they had opted to treat it before it formed into a disease, and integrated proper steps towards releasing those energies in the body. In the long run, think about how much pain, suffering, money, time this saves.. a session for a few hundred dollars to prevent hospital bills that could amount to half a million dollars… puts that into perspective. Also, effective healings maximize someone’s quality of life- that is priceless). I’m sure there are AMAZING healers who charge way below what their energy/experience is worth (perhaps they want high volume- but that’s also iffy to me because if someone’s high volume they’re contaminating energy fields likely or not having enough space to rest/clear/recharge in b/t sessions, or they’re relying on their clients to go to them routinely 1-2x a week over a long period of time), but most often the best healings are ones that require you to invest, because already, the rate is not just a material world signage of availability/supply & demand, but it’s set as a boundary- one demarcating the healer knows their worth/skill level/ energetic investment/also likely invests a lot into their energetic maintenance and learning, but also that it will deter those people who are not willing to invest in their own growth and well being. This is an energy/skill exchange and it has to be proportionate. Not to mention, sometimes a higher rate actually saves you time and energy in the long run, because the healing can be exponential and take you farther in one session than what many could do in multiple. Sometimes, investing in what at first looks like it’s something you can’t afford pays dividends and then some, because by working with this person you’re opening up all your channels and therefore attracting more money than you can imagine, afterwards. This is again to reiterate, rate is not the deciding factor, meaning that sometimes someone can charge a high rate that’s empty and not a signage of any of the above. Use your best judgment. I know what you’re thinking- what if you really don’t have the funds to afford a session at a certain rate? The thing is, the right amount of money sometimes materializes by way of the universe if we commit to the session. I’m not kidding, I’ve had this happen myself.

  17. Look for resonance- many people have described the feeling of knowing they needed to work with me as a calling in their heart. It’s a really visceral reaction, you’re drawn to this person and know you want to work with them even if your rational mind comes up with a million reasons why you shouldn’t or can’t (money being one of the first ones)

  18. If a healer doesn’t model good boundaries it’s not a very good sign. Boundaries are a necessity, priority for the health and wellbeing of anyone in the fields of energy, healing and mental health. Sometimes as we get work with our clients over a long period of time, of course we become closer and the relationship becomes more personal than just professional. But that is an organic transition, and can’t be one that’s forced on anyone. Even then, there are still boundaries.

  19. Similar to the above, if a practitioner is making you uncomfortable it’s never a good sign

  20. If they display attitudes that are clearly subjective and judgey in your work together, towards you, even when they say they don’t subscribe to those beliefs and are open minded, etc.. — it’s just off.

  21. If a healer refuses to work on themselves, it’s ego. GET OUT OF THERE. There’s a social stigma where some healthcare practitioners think it’s a sign of weakness for them to also seek help- this is a very outdated, unconscious belief and it shows me this person is fragile.

  22. If a practitioner spends a lot of time pitching other services in a way that is an upsell, less a suggestion where you can genuinely benefit from a workshop, course, or other service. I’ve had many practitioners spend the bulk of my sessions telling me what else I’ll need and it always sat so strangely with me. When I started practicing I vowed never to even mention other services in my work, and when clients asked me for suggestions for how often to see me or what else they needed, I’d always say to refer to their own intuition. However, as my practice has grown, I’ve come to realize that clients sometimes genuinely want your guidance with this! And other times, their guides will suggest services for them that will genuinely benefit them and need you to say it to them. Also, sometimes people new to the work may not know how to scale expectations and some issues they want to work on are tough and may need additional sessions. So my sense on this is if your practitioner is being pushy (and they spend a lot of your session time talking about it), or sales-y or trying to get you to do something you know you don’t need, or they want you to do it because it’s not even about what you need it’s for them, then no. But if you’re genuinely seeking their advice around how often they think would be good for you to see them, or if their suggestion is a soft suggestion based around your work together and what they feel may benefit you, with little to no pressure, then it’s good.

  23. This one gives me the creeps: if your practitioner gets really possessive and weird around you working with other people. It’s one thing if it’s very clear that someone else is messing with your client in a bad way (luckily I’ve never encountered this) but to create expectations around your client not seeing other healers, therapists, practitioners is very strange and stalls their progress. It’s lack consciousness. I’m happy when my client has a therapist, or sessions with other intuitives and healers because I’m thinking of my client’s well being. If he/she/they has access to more support and help, they can achieve their goals faster. I know that the majority of practitioners are thinking about their business from a practical standpoint- don’t you want client retention and loyalty? Of course, but that never supersedes my desire for their highest good which is ultimately to grow, and I know that I don’t know everything so if they are getting what they need from someone else that’s amazing! The only way that I can make sure that I continue to have resources and abilities to offer is if I take care of myself and continue growing/learning/healing- and I do not think about clients in lack consciousness- if we reach the end of our work together, that’s our spiritual contract, sometimes our agreements are short, some are long term, and there are a lot of people out there who will find me when we match a in client/healer dynamic and that is dependent on how many obstacles, blocks, lessons I’ve cleared for myself— the demand is on me, not on my client.

  24. If your practitioner is consistently late or ends the session early not because you asked them to.. I personally have a sensitivity around this- I feel like it seems disrespectful, also it shows me if someone is ALWAYS late that they might not be organized around time. I understand sometimes in between back to back sessions there may be a lag of a few minutes, but I always make those up, and as a practitioner I understand that sometimes things come up, it’s not always cut and dry, but if someone has a HABIT around being late or ending early or cancelling sessions I usually won’t work with them for that much longer.

Disclaimer

I just wanted to put this out there for those of you who read my posts and work with me:

I’m NEVER writing about the people I work with. I know that sometimes when something is addressed to a general audience, it’s possible that some people may take things personally. This has happened before to me so I know the feeling and I would never want anyone to feel that way- I would never single anyone out, and I’m vocal so you would know if something doesn’t work for me in our work together. If I’ve never said anything, trust that everything is fine and that I LOVE working with you. All of my posts are to help YOU.

Energy Grabbing and How to Deal with Draining People

Sometimes, people don’t have it in their conscious awareness that they’re trying to drain or grab your energy.

I define energy grabbing as smaller doses of huge drains of energy. It’s basically when someone’s texting, emailing, calling, making contact in some way so that they engage you. You, if you’re energetically aware, may feel drained after connecting with them, or have a sense that something is wrong, that you don’t want to engage. This person’s unconscious intention is to grab your energy because they can’t self-sustain. They will sometimes ask you nonsense questions or just keep engaging you when they really don’t need to be. There’s something in them where they just NEED to make contact with you and they will come up with excuses.

Healers and empaths tend to be targets of this, because people feel good in our energy (if we’re doing the work and honoring our energy, that is- and most of us already have it in us to be givers and take on energetic labor for people) that is not to exempt healers or empaths in general, as many toxic healers and empaths (what I mean is, people who are not doing their work nor accountable for their own energy) drain or grab energy.

There’s a co-dependent energy exchange at play, and if you allow people to grab your energy, it makes it so that you enable this behavior. On the flip side, if you keep doing this, you’ll never connect to your own source nor learn self-care practices that will sustain and recharge you. Many people who grab energy tend to also have addictions to other substances, and can also be addicted to other people’s energy. If they’re doing it to you, they likely have multiple sources they go to for a boost.

Drains I define as much larger ones over a span of time, whether it’s in one elongated conversation or over the course of a relationship. Sometimes, we can have draining bonds where we rarely interact with the person in a physical 3D space, maybe that person is a family member and our energy cord runs one way- your energy to them. I experience this viscerally when I’m reading for other people and in my own life as a sharp stabbing feeling. I know then that the cord isn’t clean, and that it’s vampiric. This is part of an energetic agreement that needs to become updated, and the contents need to be made conscious in order to change.

Other times, we can just feel drained in the presence of someone, or we can feel glommed onto. Usually, there are other demands being made, it’s not just an unconscious intention of: I want your energy, but it can also be: “I want your information, I want your friendship, I want x y z” but it feels parasitic in nature. There is no give and take, or space.

Most energetic vampires don’t know that they’re doing that to you, even if they may have a conscious desire to be around your energy or to take some of it. Here’s another thing that makes this type of interaction especially hard: we can LOVE/ADORE the energy grabber/vampire. They could need help, and we can be very compelled to help. Sometimes, it’s because of the very fact that we absolutely adore this person that it sets off our empathy and we want to give more of our energy so much that it depletes us.

An energy vampire/grabber is not always a bad person or someone you want to avoid at all. In fact, I’m sure at one point or another we’ve all grabbed at someone else’s energy or drained someone else, before we become really conscious of what’s happening. That’s all it is: an unconscious behavior.

Some of us can have programming that makes it so we attract these types of people, or feel attracted to these types. Or perhaps, we are programmed to offer help, or offer continuous streams of energy. We can be locked into a codependent energy exchange for years, even, because if we were programmed for this, then someone we know and perhaps deeply love modeled this relationship for us.

This can take a very long time to get clear on and to clear. What can perpetuate this cycle is first, being unconscious about it. Then, when you’re conscious about it, victim mentality can keep you stuck. This means having beliefs that you don’t get to decide, or that you don’t have full reign of your own energy and where it goes, or that it’s the other person’s fault they took it. Evaluate, where is this coming from? Is this a sign of a core wounding as a child? When I’m in victim mentality, I know it’s a sign of the wounded inner child speaking, the one who had her life decisions forced on her and felt like she had no say in anything.

You’re accountable too if you allow other people to take your energy. If you’re conscious enough to feel what’s going on, then you know what’s going on.

The next step is to understand that this has so many layers- and that some of these victim mentality beliefs, or beliefs we owe our energy, or to allow this behavior, are embedded in our nervous system. For instance, we may have beliefs here that if we don’t give what other people want, we may feel unlovable, or we may fear their abandonment, or we may fear conflict (because conflict comes with high stakes for those of us who grew up with unstable caretakers) or in the solar plexus level perhaps we need the validation of being the giver, provider, etc.. because that’s deeply wound into our value systems or self concept.

Then, it’s to get clear on our ability to say NO whether vocally, or just to realize that we have that option. Sometimes, we don’t realize we have the option around our energy. This means, rejecting that invitation to get coffee. Not engaging in communication, or calling them out when they’re trying to engage you in communication that is clearly designed to get you to respond. You never have to say to them directly that it’s what they’re doing- it’s not your job, but you can set other parameters and say that behavior doesn’t work for you. They’re on automatic. They won’t know what they’re doing. You know, so it’s your responsibility to disengage from a potentially codependent arrangement.

To embed in your awareness and in your nervous system: “No, I do not want to be in an energetic relationship with you, and I have that choice,” is an empowering thing to do.

Sidenote- if I wasn’t clear before, the attempts to grab will always either try to provoke an emotional reaction so you’re forced to respond, or they’re for questions you’ve already answered, or they’re just random questions. They’re purposeless, because the intention isn’t in getting the answer to the question- that’s not important to the person baiting at all.