A lot of my life, I was over-functional and over responsible for other people in my life. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what created it, but it 100% has to do with certain pieces in combination: narcissistic abuse, being highly empathic, being raised with codependency. All of these created in me care-taking behaviors, self sacrifice, all of which did not hold other people accountable for their own actions and behaviors.
This piece recently clicked for me and I’ll share with you the process and realizations. Causing other people pain causes me pain, because of my empathy. It is very visceral. Seeing animals or people in pain and suffering causes me very real pain and suffering even when it has nothing to do with me. If I can help ameliorate suffering, sometimes I will go to great lengths, and in the past, even if it caused me damage. I learned at a young age to not speak up around opposing opinions. I learned to be agreeable, accommodating, nice (this programming also has to do with me being a woman)- I learned to spare other people’s embarrassment, any upset and overwhelm. I tucked away my own disagreements, my own anger, my own truth to, at an extreme, coddle other people. In my mind it was well intentioned. I wanted other people to feel good, happy, supported, loved. I still of course do, but my realization takes me a different route to achieve this aim.
I hyper focused on what to do for others and let them do whatever they wanted. Sometimes I couldn’t set boundaries because I know that for some people, boundaries can feel like rejection or could make them angry, upset, sad. It was sad for me to deny anyone something they wanted, especially people I cared about. You can see how this is really a dangerous point of view, but so many of us have this. The stakes are high- I had my life threatened when I set boundaries, and even a slight ripple in my family became a huge, violent outburst from my unstable volatile father. We learned that walking on eggshells and avoiding was normal. I learned that my reality and my needs were unimportant, from my mother. I learned that to avoid being rejected, ridiculed, threatened, and even, kicked out of the house, meant, be agreeable, obedient, accommodating, and at worst- enabling.
I didn’t realize that I was enabling bad behaviors by going along with them, at all. I really just focused on the element of helping someone else avoid pain and conflict. It shook me to my core because it hit so many deep, core wounds and fears for me— the worse our consequences (how much worse can having your life threatened violently be?) the higher the stakes are around something. It was encoded into my nervous system, around fight or flight. Naturally, the defense mechanism grew to protect me- always be agreeable, don’t call people out for their bad behavior. If it gets too bad, disappear quietly, but otherwise just condone it and make people feel there is nothing wrong with them at all costs! Even at your own expense! Because the consequences are a lot worse than that discomfort. Other people’s discomfort is worse than your own discomfort.
Recently, something clicked and a lot of the fear dissipated. I started telling people when behaviors were disrespectful. I started speaking up around my specific needs even if it felt so uncomfortable and would’ve been something in the past that I would’ve swallowed and dealt with. I started to realize that when you do hold other people accountable for their ignorance, their insensitivity, the harm they cause, the disrespect, yeah it can be uncomfortable but you give them something valuable: a chance to grow. That is way more valuable, even if people don’t understand the gift it is, than allowing certain behaviors that don’t work for you (and if it doesn’t work for you, then it’s safe to assume that there are other people in the world this wouldn’t work for). Sometimes I even think, if I’m not the one who says something, someone else will, and it is much better coming from me because I can deliver it probably in a kinder way than other people may.
Growth cannot come without discomfort. Not to mention, in direct dealings, you are not only giving them a chance to grow, but you are also showing them healthy levels of self-worth and boundaries for them to model, if they struggle with this too. A lot of people who can’t take accountability for themselves do struggle with self-worth and lack of boundaries, so if you say no, then it gives them permission to, too. If they can’t accept the gift that it is and take issue with it, that’s not your problem, because that’s exhibiting toxic behaviors that you don’t want in your life anyway.